Fear. Such a small word for such a huge thing. And it's at the root of OCD.
Fear of the unknown.
Fear of what might happen.
Fear of someone getting hurt and it being my fault.
Fear of making God angry.
Fear of doing something the wrong way.
How does this fear coincide with my relationship with God?
I know that He is sovereign and that nothing happens without His knowledge.
I know that He is completely in control of all things.
I know that all things work together for the good of those who love Him.
I know that He loves me unconditionally.
I know that He is much more concerned with the condition of my heart than the order in which I choose to do things.
And yet. The fear continues. We've all heard question - why do bad things happen to good people? Why do I deal with this mental illness when I am a redeemed child of God? Why can't I beat this beast of anxiety that lives in my head? I'm not sure. But I think the answer is that we live in a fallen world. My mental illness is a result of the Fall, and I'm broken. Broken by sin, broken by mental illness, broken by my own failed attempts to measure up. BUT. I do have hope. That one day, when God chooses to take me home to be with Him, I will be free of this. In heaven, where I will be for all eternity, tears don't exist. And you know what else doesn't exist? Pain. Sadness. And mental illness.
So, as hard as it is to function day to day at times, I choose to have hope. That God is sovereign. That He understands my struggles even more than I do.
I choose to have hope.