Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Being Diagnosed - Part 2

This post is Part 2 of journal entries from the time leading up to me being diagnosed with OCD.  You can read Being Diagnosed Part 1 here.

I hoping these excerpts provide some insight in to my journey.

March 28, 2004

mental healthI woke up to fear again.  Why can't it just leave me alone?!  I was worried yesterday about different stuff, and I had a headache all day.  

I'm still afraid of free time, and there is this study out about anti-depressants and how sometimes they cause people to commit suicide.  I'm on Lexapro.  That scares me, too.  I wish I was perfect...

April 8, 2004

Right now I'm in Florida with my family.  My counselor said to ask God to deliver me from fear while I am here.  God, I do ask that You would deliver me.  I'm back in the same place where a lot of this fear was triggered.  God, please deliver me.  I need You.  It hit me soon after we got here, and I need help getting rid of it.  Please deliver me from it once and for all.

April 16, 2004

I have so much pain and confusion and emotions running through my heart and head right now.  Lord, please help me through this!

I feel far away from God.  I'm afraid of spending time with Him, and I feel like there is a divide there.  I don't want to be far away from Him; I want to be close to Him.

May 23, 2004

I'm still full of fear.  I'm supposed to go off my medicine in September - what then?  It's definitely better now, but there is no way I want to go back to the way things were earlier in the semester.  I can't handle that!  I'm still really scared of making people upset with me and failing people,  

August 7, 2004

I have a really hard time with people-pleasing.  I hate it if people don't approve of something I do.  I feel like I've failed, and that's almost too much for me.  My head starts to feel cloudy and this gut fear grows in my chest and stomach.  Then I feel like I am doing something really wrong and I feel like I'm sinning.  It's wrong for me to feel like this.  It is very similar to what happened at the beginning of last semester with the anxiety and depression.  Very similar.  Am I going to face this forever?  Will it always plague me?  God, I have a really hard time discerning between Your voice and all of the voices of my friends and family.  Will it always be like this?  I feel like I can't make decisions without the input of my friends/family.  And then if I don't listen to them I feel like a disappointment and a failure.  

I'm really scared that I will go against something I told someone or that I will be deceitful.  I would never want to be that way with anyone.  I'm also very afraid that I will hurt someone with what I say or do.  That's the last thing I want to do.

Please Lord, help me.  Please take away the intense desire in me to please people.  God, please instill in me the huge and strong desire to serve and please You only, and not to worry about what other people think.  

August 9, 2004

What a horrible day.  I felt so guilty today, and I could feel myself falling right back into the depression, fear, and anxiety that I had before.  I felt extremely guilty because of the fact that other people don't approve of me.  

August 11, 2004

I'm scared to student teach because I'm afraid I'm going back into the anxiety and depression.  I can't go back to that.  I think I may need to go back to counseling once school starts.