Confessions of an Overthinker: I Wish That OCD Affected...

***NOTE: All posts on this blog are related to my experience.  Obviously not all mental illnesses are the same, and I don't pretend to understand anything other than what I have experienced.  My hope is that my story will bring you encouragement and that you will seek the help that you need to manage your mental illness in a healthy way.***

Mental illness is not a death sentence.  I should know.  I have struggled with OCD, anxiety, and depression for over 25 years (I'm only 34).  Even with the presence of mental illness in my life, I've been able to manage it (mostly well, but with a few serious hiccups) and live a joyful life filled with friends and family.  I thank God for the tools He has provided to help me in my mental health journey (medication, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy/Exposure Response Prevention, etc.).

This post came about as a combination of two of these tools:

1. identifying positive ways that mental illness has affected my life instead of having a victim mentality (see a recent post on this here), and
2. humor.

It is in this spirit that I give you areas of my life that could actually use a little dose of OCD.

Hope of Rescue - My Soul Anchor

The Storm
Life is messy.  Pain and heartache.  Broken relationships.  Illness, mental and otherwise.  Sometimes these things are expected, and other times they hit us out of nowhere.

The disciples experienced this once when they were in the boat with Jesus.  "And behold, there arose a great storm on the sea, so that the boat was being covered with the waves..." (Matthew 8:24a)  The waves and the storm overwhelmed them.

Some days, I've felt this way with mental illness.  My brain is totally overwhelmed - stormy, even.  Overwhelmed by the waves and the wind and everything else that comes with a storm.  Broken tree limbs, hail, thunder, lightning, sleet.  It's a tornado.  Or hurricane.  Or tsunami.

My Weekend with OCD

OCD: a lifetime condition with seasonal intensity requiring daily maintenance.

It's the daily maintenance part that I've failed with most recently.  I haven't been exercising consistently, our schedule has been way too busy, I haven't gotten enough sleep, I've been stressed...and I made the mistake of scratching that OCD itch.  I gave in, checked, prayed one more time, etc., etc., etc., and the result was a holiday weekend with anxiety woven throughout.

SATURDAY
My husband loves to spend time with our kids, and he took our oldest son out in the afternoon to do a fun activity.  The plan was for him to come back to pick up our middle son after he woke up from his nap, and then he would be back in time to order pizza for a family dinner.  The afternoon wore on, and they never returned to pick up our 2nd son.  6:00 came and went with still no sign of them.  I called multiple times, no answer.  I texted, no response.  My mind immediately jumped to the worst possible conclusion (a habit of mine) - I was afraid that they had been in an accident and were dead, I was going to have to raise the two other kids by myself, I would have to figure out how to provide for them, and how would I live without them?!?!?!?!  FINALLY I received a message that they were on their way home.  Turns out that they were in a place where he had zero cell reception, so his phone did not work.  The lump in my throat from the fear I had lost both of them stayed long after I knew they were safe.

Scrupulosity and Scripture

Scrupulosity

Ah, scrupulosity.  Religious OCD.  Scrupulosity has been part of my journey for a LONG time (you can read about my experiences with scrupulosity here).  But it definitely did not start with me.  In fact, the OCD Workbook (which I highly recommend for learning about the illness) suggests that Martin Luther and John Bunyan, giants in the Christian faith, also most likely suffered from scrupulosity.

Among other obsessions and compulsions, the Bible and sharing it with others has been a focus of my OCD.  Exposure Response Prevention (ERP) is the key to changing our OCD brains, so here goes.

Starving the OCD Wolf: Exposure Response Prevention

While OCD can be overwhelming (to say the least), there is hope.  Many people have led joyful and productive lives through a combination of medication and Exposure Response Prevention.  It is possible to starve the wolf!


The Wolf

Consuming.  Intense.  Debilitating.  Disabling.  OCD is a ravenous, howling wolf roaming around just searching for something to eat - an obsession to be anxious over or a compulsion to perform for some measure of relief.  When it gets really bad, it feels like that wolf's howl is all we can hear.  If he's that hungry, maybe it would just be easier to give in to the compulsions and feed him already.  At least it will quiet him down, even if just for a second or two.

He's not always noisy though.  In times of relative mental peace, he can even sound a little friendly.  Like a cute little puppy sweetly begging for something to eat.  And so, because he isn't really bothering us that much,  we give in and feed him just a little bit.  Just a tiny compulsion before moving on to something else.

But feeding that wolf even just a little bit always keeps him coming back for more.  And more.  And more again.  Each time he comes back, his howl is just a little (or a lot) louder.

What if, instead of feeding the wolf by giving in to the compulsions, we starved him instead?


Starving the Wolf

Exposure Response Prevention (ERP) is described by The International OCD Foundation as follows:

"The Exposure in ERP refers to exposing yourself to the thoughts, images, objects and situations that make you anxious and/or start your obsessions.  While the Response Prevention part of ERP, refers to making a choice not to do a compulsive behavior once the anxiety or obsessions have been 'triggered.'"

ERP is, essentially, starving the OCD.  Exposing yourself to the intrusive thoughts and then forcing yourself not to give in to the compulsions that the wolf is howling in your ear MUST BE DONE.


Personal Experience

I hope it doesn't sound like I have this all figured out, because I most definitely do NOT.  But I do have personal experience.

I've mentioned in recent posts that I lapsed in November after having over 3 really good years (!).  There were hard days here and there, but overall I totally felt like myself.  I was working 20-30 hours per week (mostly from home), taking care of my (then) two little ones with my husband, and maintaining an active church and social life.  Living well!  Even though the wolf was quieter, however, I still fed him.

• I wrote down prayers asking for forgiveness to make sure I said the right thing.  
• I went through my nightly before-bedtime routine of checking and re-checking (multiple times) the door locks, stove burners, candle, wall outlet, and kids.  
• I checked and re-checked (multiple times) the baby's collar after I put her in the crib to make sure it wasn't too tight and that she could breathe, in addition to checking that nothing except she and her pacifier were in the crib.

Then, on the morning of Monday, October 26, I started praying compulsively (again) for God's forgiveness, and what had been manageable not long before quickly became unmanageable and spiraled into many other obsessions and compulsions.  I was terrified of so many things.  I returned to an intrusive obsession from several years before about the existential meaning of time and how it works.  It sounds so weird as I write that, but it truly became paralyzing.  And unfortunately, it's still a struggle (even within the last week).

My treatment included increasing my medication and starving the wolf through ERP.  I stopped writing down prayers.  I strove to replace false thoughts with true ones.  I determined that trying to figure out time was not focusing on what was lovely and admirable (Philippians 4:8-9), so I forced my brain to refocus on something else.  Eventually the howling started to fade, but not without lots of discomfort on my part.  In fact, it felt like the howling got louder before it got quieter.  But it did get quieter after I pushed through the noise without giving in to the overwhelming anxiety.  And those times when I gave in and fed him?  He got louder.  And louder, and louder, and louder, until the howling became unbearable once again.

Eventually, I had the first time in weeks where more of the day was positive than negative.  And I was able to climb back out of the hole.


Bottom Line

Starving the wolf is a daily - and I do mean daily - battle for me.  Intrusive thoughts pop in to my head all the time, and I'd love to say that I always resist every compulsion.  But that's not realistic.

Let me be clear: I believe that the wolf will probably always be a part of my life here on earth, but he will not be a part of my life in heaven.  God's sustaining grace pulls me through those days when the wolf is howling so loudly that I can't hear much of anything else.

My prayer is to be fully delivered by God in this life.  But even if He chooses not to do that, He is still good.  And sovereign.  And loving.  And, I believe, He is helping me starve the wolf.