Hope, Not Despair

I've mentioned in previous posts (here, here, here, here, and here) that although I suffer from OCD in this life, I look forward to being in Heaven where there will be no more tears and no more suffering.  I will be free of this brokenness!  I've been reading through the New Testament slowly, and I Peter 1:3-9 was part of my reading this morning:

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ!  In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade.  This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time.  In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.  These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.  Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

What an encouragement!

• He has given me hope (an anchor for my soul) through Christ
• God's power is shielding me 
• I can greatly rejoice even though I suffer (intensely at times) from OCD
• Suffering increases my faith and results in glory to God
• My faith brings "inexpressible and glorious joy"
• The end result of my faith is the salvation of my soul

Praise the Lord!

What verses have you found to be encouraging in your life?

Confessions of an Overthinker: I Wish That OCD Affected...

***NOTE: All posts on this blog are related to my experience.  Obviously not all mental illnesses are the same, and I don't pretend to understand anything other than what I have experienced.  My hope is that my story will bring you encouragement and that you will seek the help that you need to manage your mental illness in a healthy way.***

Mental illness is not a death sentence.  I should know.  I have struggled with OCD, anxiety, and depression for over 25 years (I'm only 34).  Even with the presence of mental illness in my life, I've been able to manage it (mostly well, but with a few serious hiccups) and live a joyful life filled with friends and family.  I thank God for the tools He has provided to help me in my mental health journey (medication, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy/Exposure Response Prevention, etc.).

This post came about as a combination of two of these tools:

1. identifying positive ways that mental illness has affected my life instead of having a victim mentality (see a recent post on this here), and
2. humor.

It is in this spirit that I give you areas of my life that could actually use a little dose of OCD.

Hope of Rescue - My Soul Anchor

The Storm
Life is messy.  Pain and heartache.  Broken relationships.  Illness, mental and otherwise.  Sometimes these things are expected, and other times they hit us out of nowhere.

The disciples experienced this once when they were in the boat with Jesus.  "And behold, there arose a great storm on the sea, so that the boat was being covered with the waves..." (Matthew 8:24a)  The waves and the storm overwhelmed them.

Some days, I've felt this way with mental illness.  My brain is totally overwhelmed - stormy, even.  Overwhelmed by the waves and the wind and everything else that comes with a storm.  Broken tree limbs, hail, thunder, lightning, sleet.  It's a tornado.  Or hurricane.  Or tsunami.

A Positive Spin

Six days after I turned 34, I fell back into the pit that is mental illness.  I had given birth to my third child exactly 10 weeks before, and I spiraled.  Fast.

This was nothing new, unfortunately.  I have dealt with OCD, anxiety, and depression for about as long as I can remember.  It's part of my makeup.  It tends to flare postpartum, so I should have expected a lapse.  I was not prepared, and that mental illness took. me. out.

Colossians 1

I am not a theologian, but I am a Christ-follower.  My faith and my relationship with Christ are so important to me, which is probably why scrupulosity, or religious OCD, has been such a huge struggle for me.  OCD tends to affect those things in our lives that are most important to us.

I've continued in my relationship with God through the angst of OCD, but it has not always felt joyful.  So when I felt joy as I read Colossians 1 this afternoon, I wanted to share it with you!  See below for the passages that stood out to me along with why I enjoyed them.

Pride and Authenticity

Why is it so hard to be authentic with others?  I've had several opportunities in recent months to share my story, both on the blog and in other areas of my life.  The more I talk about it, the easier it gets.  Although I do have to say that writing anonymously on the blog is a whole lot easier than talking face-to-face with people I've known for years who have no idea of my mental struggles.  (Click here for why I'm writing anonymously.)

I don't really have a problem telling people in real life that I struggle with anxiety and depression (I once heard depression referred to as the common cold of mental illness).  These two things seem to be fairly common and well understood by the general public.  

Chonda Pierce and Clinical Depression

My very pregnant friend and I have been walking to try to help her go into labor.  Seriously, she was due on Sunday with her fourth child, and she just wants that baby to GET OUT.  So, we walk.

On a recent walk, she brought up a clip that she had heard of Chonda Pierce, a successful Christian comedian, talking about Spanx, which she thought was hilarious.  And it was then that I remembered that Chonda Pierce struggles with depression.  Clinical depression, it turns out.

#invisibleillness

I saw this hashtag on Twitter today regarding mental illness: #invisibleillness.

If someone has a broken leg, the injury is pretty obvious.  You can physically see that something isn't right with their body.

But it's not so easy with mental illness.  Sure, you can see some things - like when I check the stove over and over to make sure it's off, or when I'm overly scrupulous in the way I try not to lie (it can be a little obvious).  But mostly, my suffering is done in silence.

But just because it's invisible doesn't mean it's not real.

I recently revealed my struggles to a friend, and her response was that she never would have guessed that I struggle with OCD, anxiety, and depression.  And my mom has made similar comments - that I am able to hide it well.

My response?  "I've had a lot of practice."  And that's true.  I've learned how to cope well enough that people honestly can't tell that I'm struggling (which isn't always a good thing).

Similarly, Rachel Griffin, founder of #iamnotashamed, comes across as a "normal" person.  In this Washington Post article, the author observed:  "To talk to Griffin, a spunky, fast-talking singer-songwriter, no one would suspect the dark, cyclical thoughts that sometimes permeate her mind."

The phrase "fake it til' you make it" can be pretty applicable to my situation, and sometimes that is exactly what I have to do.  Get through the dark days, even if it means pretending that everything is fine.  Keep marching forward and living my life.

Because what other option is there?  To lay down and let this internal chronic pain, this silent suffering, this #invisibleillness consume me?  No.  Absolutely not.

As Josh Wilson sings in "I Refuse": I could choose not to move, but I refuse.

(If you haven't heard this song, it's worth a listen.)

Renewing the Mentally Ill Mind

Scripture can be scary for those of us who struggle with scrupulosity.  What if I didn't read that verse correctly?  What if I was distracted while I was reading my Bible?  What if I'm misinterpreting Scripture?  What if I have this totally wrong?  What if I was interrupted while reading the Bible?

As part of coping with my OCD, I'm in the process of reading the entire New Testament 1-2 chapters at a time.  Today I read Romans 12 and came across verse 2:

How do I, as someone who struggles with mental illness, renew my mind?  My mind that can spiral downward so fast.  My mind that is highly anxious and also prone to deep depression.  My mind that struggles with internal chronic pain that others cannot see.  My mind that suffers in silence.

Some parts of my mental illness, like my obsessions, I cannot control.  Awful thoughts enter my mind, and I hate it.  The anxiety skyrockets and the urge to perform a compulsion comes on very, very strongly.  

But the truth is that I do have some level of control over my mental illness, even if it seems impossible or insignificant.  I can choose to use Exposure Response Prevention or not.  I can choose to take my medication or not.  I can choose to give in to my compulsions or not. 

Even though my mind is ill, I can renew it by refusing to give in.  By trusting that God will bring me through this.  By believing that He will bring good from my suffering.  By choosing to live in hope. 

Because when I do these things, I no longer suffer so intensely.  I have hope.  And hope is truly transforming.

What are some ways that you renew your mind?

Moms Don't Get Sick Days

We've had so many illnesses run through our house since mid-February.  The stomach flu (three times).  Pink eye.  Hand foot and mouth disease (how did the baby get that?!).  A crazy long super-cold.

And before today, I hadn't caught much of anything.  But then that dreaded flu hit me this morning.

It happened just at the right time, about two hours before my husband had to leave for work.  He was able to get the kids up and ready for the day (including breakfast) and make lunch ahead of time for them so I wouldn't have to think about it.  I was able to get some much needed sleep and a shower.

Since I can't hardly stand not being outside when it's so nice out (in the 80's today!), we spent some more time outdoors this morning (see post from yesterday).  NOTE: Had I felt way worse, I totally would have put the kids in front of the TV while I laid on the couch.

Joy

Isn't it nice when we can enjoy life despite struggling with mental illness?  As I've mentioned in previous posts, there are specific things I do to help combat my OCD, anxiety, and depression.  This afternoon, our family hiked and picnicked at a local nature preserve which hit several of my coping techniques.


I spent time outside in the sun.
I feel SO MUCH BETTER when I get regular time outside, especially if the sun is shining.  Since it was such a mild winter, I was still able to get outside almost every day, but I can't be the only one who's excited that it's finally sunny and in the 70's.  I even got some color (red is a color, right?!).  :)

Beauty in Frustration

Sometimes things don't feel beautiful.  

Like right now (after midnight) when the 8-month-old is crying again and not learning this whole self soothing trick like I want her to.

Or when a kid vomits in the van for the second time in three days.

Or when someone falls out of bed and hits his head on a piece of furniture.  The immediate goose egg, frantic call to the pediatrician, and checking him through the night do not feel beautiful.

Or when I wake up in the morning counting the hours until nap time because I'm so exhausted from being up with the baby.

Or when a preschooler pulls the stopper in the sink drain, turns the water on, and floods the bathroom.

Baby Kisses and Joy

Baby girl is at my favorite stage of babyhood - almost 8 months old.  She (mostly) sleeps through the night, isn't quite crawling, is very expressive and loves to interact with people.  She's trying to figure things out - words, eating solid foods (she barely tolerates them), and grasping things with her chubby little hands.  But one of the best things that she has started doing is doling out sweet mouth-wide-open kisses that leave all manner of slobber on my cheek.  Sometimes, when I'm in the midst of difficulty, this simple, best little gesture in the world can bring me so much joy.

What have you found brings you joy in the midst of suffering?  

Sharing Authentically

A conversation happened this week that surprised me.  An acquaintance that I hardly know bared her soul.  I mean, bared her soul.  Betrayal in her marriage, infertility, addiction, counseling...and her "crazy high anxiety."

Sometimes I get so deep inside my own head that I don't remember that others are also suffering.  Some with mental illness like me, and some in other ways.  (You can see my story in the post My Mental Health Story: A Timeline or on The OCD Stories website.)

Whenever I have been in the suffering valley, God has always rescued me and comforted me throughout the season of suffering.  And even though mental illness is still a daily struggle for me, I am not without hope.

The purpose of this blog is to candidly share my struggles and victories with mental illness as a Christ-follower.  I want blogging to help me grow personally and to help fellow sufferers along their own journeys.  In order to accomplish this, I am blogging under the pen name "A.J. Michaels."  The only other person who knows the true identity of A.J. Michaels is my husband.  Writing under a pen name allows me to write more honestly about my mental illness than if I used my real name.  I'm not quite ready to share these thoughts with people in my every day life - maybe eventually, but not yet.

I do look forward to walking this journey together with you.

God bless,
AJ

A Letter to my Mental Illness

Dear Mental Illness,

You don't own me.  I don't belong to you, and I don't really like you all that much.  I know I'm supposed to start a letter with something positive, but with all the turmoil you've caused in my brain and my life, I don't really feel like being nice to you.

You color everything I love, and even the things I don't.  You make my brain so ACTIVE; it's like a radar just circling around and around searching for something to obsess over.  That's the tricky thing about you.  Your paintbrush can swipe over any part of my life at any time.  Sometimes you keep me from focusing on my responsibilities, or you make it extremely difficult for me to feel calm.  You strike fear in me over anything - my relationship with God, my kids, my husband, myself.  Where did you even come from?  I have a great life!  No severe trauma.  A great family.  A strong education.  Healthy kids.  A house.  A dog.  A wonderful husband.  A relationship with Jesus.  So, seriously.  Why did you feel the need to make yourself at home in my brain?!  Couldn't you have just stayed out?

If We're Honest

I heard Francesca Battistelli's song "If We're Honest" yesterday for the first time.  And it really spoke to the theme of what I'm trying to get across on this blog - authenticity.  We all certainly have our issues, and one of my very big ones happens to be mental illness.  I love the truth that this song proclaims.  If you haven't heard it yet (and even if you have), please take a quick listen:

In an interview with Reel Gospel, Francesca discussed this song:

"If We're Honest is the title track, and the theme of that song which ties in with the record is that God has called us to live lives of authenticity.  I think that means that in a culture that says 'Crop the perfect picture of yourself, put a nice filter on it, send it out to the world and let people think that's who you are,' God has called us to be raw and be real.  We should be able to come to each other as brothers and sisters in Christ and say: 'This is what I'm going through.  This is what I'm struggling with.  This is what I need prayer for, or help with.'  It's so hard for us to do that in this culture, and I think God is really calling us to go back to that basic...He created us to live in community with each other.  He created us to need each other.  To be His hands and feet on this earth."


"If We're Honest"

Truth is harder than a lie
The dark sees safer than the light
And everyone has a heart that loves to hide
I'm a mess and so are you
We've built walls nobody can get through
Yeah, it may be hard, but the best thing we could ever do, ever do

[Chorus]:
Bring your brokenness, and I'll bring mine
'Cause love can heal what hurt divides
And mercy's waiting on the other side
If we're honest
If we're honest

Don't pretend to be something that you're not
Living life afraid of getting caught
There is freedom found when we lay
our secrets down at the cross, at the cross

[Chorus]

It would change our lives
It would set us free
It's what we need to be

[Chorus]

Flowers from Rain

I remember the first time I heard the phrase "April showers bring May flowers."  For some reason, it's one of those random memories from childhood that sticks out.  The phrase came back to my mind today as I was driving in the rain.  I'm sure I'm not the first one to make this connection, but flowers, things of beauty, need rain.  These beautiful flowers are not possible without the rain.  Maybe we personally experience greater joy from going through the struggle and heartache of mental illness.

As I referenced in yesterday's post, the past five months have been somewhat of a thunderstorm of OCD/anxiety/depression.  But today and yesterday, I've experienced the flowers.  Even in the midst of the intrusive thoughts that continue to threaten me, my heart has overflowed with joy four times since yesterday afternoon, and all because of other people:

• My sister told me of how her wonderful boyfriend sees and treats her as the treasure that she is.
• I can't remember exactly what was said between my two boys in the car, but they were playing so well together and having the cutest preschooler conversation.  
• The third time happened just a few minutes ago when my oldest son was interacting so, SO sweetly with his baby sister and making her laugh.  It was precious.  
• And as I write this, I'm listening to my just-turned-three-year-old yell-singing from his bed when he should be napping.  He was just calling for help, and I went to see what he needed.  Nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  He was pretending to be Woody from Toy Story with his stuffed animals, and Woody was calling for help.  

Such simple things, but would I feel these joys so deeply had I not experienced such deep suffering?  Would these feelings of joy be the same regardless of my struggle?  Or do I feel them more deeply because I have intensely felt the opposite?

Laura Story has a song called "Blessings" that beautifully speaks to this.  Here is the chorus:

"'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops?

What if your healing comes through tears?

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near?

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?"

Thank God for the flowers!  

Worrying about worry

I'm afraid of feeling anxious.  So, what do I do?  I worry about it, which creates anxiety.  This makes absolutely no sense, but logic doesn't seem to matter when it comes to OCD.

I also worry that those things that tend to help with my OCD might become compulsions, which creates more anxiety (quite the cycle!).  

For instance, my counselor suggested keeping a light routine as a way to help with the OCD.  This is in place of a massive daily to do list that just wasn't helpful.  A natural daily routine has emerged.  Instead of being grateful for this relaxed routine, I worry that if something messes it up, that I might get really upset, because maybe following this routine has become a compulsion.  But even when the routine does get switched around, I don't freak out, so in reality, this is a non-issue.

Another example is focusing on one task at a time instead of flitting from task to task.  I had so many (overwhelming!) things going on at once that at times my brain got to the point of threatening to shut down.  Necessary tasks (like doing the finances or dealing with medical bills) kept getting pushed to the side because I didn't feel like doing them right then.  This feeling came after I had already started, so I ended up with lots of unfinished projects.  I figured out that if I just pick a task and stick with it, then my brain doesn't have nearly the same chance of becoming overwhelmed.  So, now that I've learned that, when I start a task and get interrupted (which happens FREQUENTLY since I stay home with three young kiddos), I'm afraid that this will trigger the OCD somehow.  Again, it never really happens, so this is another non-issue.

This overactive brain of mine can sometimes think itself right in to a headache.  Thankfully that doesn't happen often, but it does happen.  Why can't I just enjoy the moment?  I'm so blessed.  I have a wonderful husband who is very loving and understanding, three beautiful (healthy!) kids, and I am in good physical health.  I work very part-time and get to spend the remainder of my time making a home and taking care of the kids, which is EXACTLY what I want to do.  But the OCD/anxiety is usually right there, just waiting for my brain to jump at the chance to obsess.  Granted, there have been many points in my life where the OCD has been very manageable, and I've been able to live a relatively "normal" (whatever that means) life.  But there have been other times where the OCD has been so intrusive that I've had great difficulty even functioning with day to day activities.  Thankfully, the debilitating times have been greatly outweighed by the "normal" times.  Praise God for that!

My new friend Kaitlin from A Journey with God and OCD has a great post on mindfulness that I found very insightful.  Focusing on the moment I'm in and what I'm doing right then will take the power out of those intrusive thoughts about the future - What if I'm doing something that will make my OCD worse?  When that thought comes, I'm going to instead just focus on whatever I'm doing at that moment.  A lot of my compulsions are internal (although I've had my share of overt compulsions, too: washing hands, turning lights on and off, checking for intruders, etc.).  But the majority of my compulsions stay inside my brain.  I just keep thinking about the intrusive thoughts and trying to figure them out.  Which is where, I believe, mindfulness comes in.

This is actually ERP (Exposure Response Prevention), which is the most effective way to change an OCD brain.  Expose yourself to what you are afraid of, and then prevent your natural compulsive response.  I'll expose myself to the intrusive thought, and then I'll practice mindfulness and prevent the response to continue thinking about it.

Refocusing through mindfulness.

Fear and Hope

Fear.  Such a small word for such a huge thing.  And it's at the root of OCD.

     Fear of the unknown.

     Fear of what might happen.

     Fear of someone getting hurt and it being my fault.

     Fear of making God angry.

     Fear of doing something the wrong way.

     Fear.

     Fear

     Fear.

How does this fear coincide with my relationship with God?

     I know that He is sovereign and that nothing happens without His knowledge.

     I know that He is completely in control of all things.

     I know that all things work together for the good of those who love Him.

     I know that He loves me unconditionally.

     I know that He is much more concerned with the condition of my heart than the order in which I choose to do things.

     I know.

     I know.

     I know.

And yet.  The fear continues.  We've all heard question - why do bad things happen to good people?  Why do I deal with this mental illness when I am a redeemed child of God?  Why can't I beat this beast of anxiety that lives in my head?  I'm not sure.  But I think the answer is that we live in a fallen world.  My mental illness is a result of the Fall, and I'm broken.  Broken by sin, broken by mental illness, broken by my own failed attempts to measure up.  BUT.  I do have hope.  That one day, when God chooses to take me home to be with Him, I will be free of this.  In heaven, where I will be for all eternity, tears don't exist.  And you know what else doesn't exist?  Pain.  Sadness.  And mental illness.

So, as hard as it is to function day to day at times, I choose to have hope.  That God is sovereign.  That He understands my struggles even more than I do.

I choose to have hope.

Scrupulosity

One of my huge OCD struggles is scrupulosity, also known as spiritual OCD.  I was taught from a young age the importance of having a relationship with God through Jesus, and my faith is extremely important to me.  Someone once told me that OCD is a paintbrush that could touch any part of your life at any time, and it usually affects those things that are most important to you.  So, here we are.

My trigger thoughts include lots of things:

• What if I made God angry?  
• Or misinterpreted Scripture?  
• Or doubted?  
• Or thought a cuss word during a prayer?  
• Or what if I'm not really saved?  
• Or didn't ask God's forgiveness for a sin?  
• What if I didn't end my prayer correctly?  
• What if I read my Bible without praying afterward?  
• What if?  What if?  What if????  

It's so exhausting.

The compulsions vary as well.  Asking for forgiveness over and over and over and over.  Journaling prayers.  Resisting the compulsions to pray, but consequently compulsively thinking about the intrusive thought.  Have you ever been told NOT to think of something and it's the only thing you can think about?  Yeah.  It's like that.  Actually, it's exactly that.

Scrupulosity gets tricky sometimes, because in order to get better, the person with OCD sometimes has to do things contrary to normal spiritual behavior.  An example of this is limiting Bible reading and prayer while still continuing to do both.  For instance, right now I am (at the suggestion of my therapist) reading through the New Testament 1-2 chapters a day.  I'm doing okay with prayer right now overall, but in the past I've only allowed myself to pray three times per day.  I've also had to put boundaries on myself (especially when the compulsive praying is really bad) to not pray again until a specific later time - like at lunch.  The goal is to keep learning and talking to God while also preventing compulsive behavior in response to the trigger thoughts.  Not easy, but I'm making it (by God's sustaining grace)!

There are so many things in the Bible that my mind could latch on to and run with, and I've found it very beneficial to focus on the basics of my faith.  Colossians 1:21-23a has really helped me do that.

"Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior.  But now He has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in His sight, without blemish and free from accusation - if you continue in your faith, established and firm, and do not move from the hope held out in the gospel."  (emphasis mine)

And so, I choose to continue in my faith, even when it seems impossible.  Even when I'm so scared that I've wronged God and that my relationship with Him is in jeopardy.  He has reconciled me to Himself and sees me as holy, without blemish, and free from accusation - from anyone, including myself!  I am covered by the blood of Christ, and HE has made me righteous.

If there is one thing (and there are actually so, so many) that I've learned from having OCD, it's that no matter how hard I try, I am fully unable to be perfect.  And in order to have a relationship with God, He requires perfection.  Righteousness.  And so, I have to trust that Jesus covers me with His righteousness.  I am reconciled - holy in His sight, without blame, and free from accusation.  I choose to have faith and to trust in that Truth.

And if God is not condemning me, then why am I condemning myself?