Fear and Hope

Fear.  Such a small word for such a huge thing.  And it's at the root of OCD.

     Fear of the unknown.

     Fear of what might happen.

     Fear of someone getting hurt and it being my fault.

     Fear of making God angry.

     Fear of doing something the wrong way.

     Fear.

     Fear

     Fear.

How does this fear coincide with my relationship with God?

     I know that He is sovereign and that nothing happens without His knowledge.

     I know that He is completely in control of all things.

     I know that all things work together for the good of those who love Him.

     I know that He loves me unconditionally.

     I know that He is much more concerned with the condition of my heart than the order in which I choose to do things.

     I know.

     I know.

     I know.

And yet.  The fear continues.  We've all heard question - why do bad things happen to good people?  Why do I deal with this mental illness when I am a redeemed child of God?  Why can't I beat this beast of anxiety that lives in my head?  I'm not sure.  But I think the answer is that we live in a fallen world.  My mental illness is a result of the Fall, and I'm broken.  Broken by sin, broken by mental illness, broken by my own failed attempts to measure up.  BUT.  I do have hope.  That one day, when God chooses to take me home to be with Him, I will be free of this.  In heaven, where I will be for all eternity, tears don't exist.  And you know what else doesn't exist?  Pain.  Sadness.  And mental illness.

So, as hard as it is to function day to day at times, I choose to have hope.  That God is sovereign.  That He understands my struggles even more than I do.

I choose to have hope.

Being Diagnosed - Part 2

This post is Part 2 of journal entries from the time leading up to me being diagnosed with OCD.  You can read Being Diagnosed Part 1 here.

I hoping these excerpts provide some insight in to my journey.

March 28, 2004

I woke up to fear again.  Why can't it just leave me alone?!  I was worried yesterday about different stuff, and I had a headache all day.  

I'm still afraid of free time, and there is this study out about anti-depressants and how sometimes they cause people to commit suicide.  I'm on Lexapro.  That scares me, too.  I wish I was perfect...

Being Diagnosed - Part 1

My mental health journey has been a long one (you can see highlights of it here), and most of it has been chronicled in the large pile of journals gathering dust on my office floor.  Obviously, cleaning is not currently one of my compulsions.  :)

The journals in the picture on the right chronicle one of the hardest seasons of OCD I have experienced.  I was in college and severely distressed by intrusive thoughts and my inability to stop the resulting anxiety and depression.  The excerpts shared below are from the brown journal.

NOTE: I purposely left out the name of my doctor (who is also a family friend) and the city I live in.  For reasons why, see my blog's About page.

Can Ignorance Be Bliss?

The Unknown
Why is the unknown so scary?  And why does it seem even scarier to those of us with OCD?  We question all sorts of things:

• What if I did something that will hurt someone?
• What if I made God angry?
• What if I'm not clean enough to feed the baby and she gets sick?
• What if I didn't lock the front door and someone breaks in during the night?
• What if, what if, what if???

"In Defense of Ignorance"
I had a high-anxiety morning, so I spent part of the afternoon relaxing as a way to cope.  During the kids' naps, I got out one of my adult coloring books and turned on an episode of "This American Life" from NPR.  The most recent episode was titled "In Defense of Ignorance."  Defending the thought that sometimes ignorance really is bliss.  That not knowing something could be better for a person.

A Letter to my Mental Illness

Dear Mental Illness,

You don't own me.  I don't belong to you, and I don't really like you all that much.  I know I'm supposed to start a letter with something positive, but with all the turmoil you've caused in my brain and my life, I don't really feel like being nice to you.

You color everything I love, and even the things I don't.  You make my brain so ACTIVE; it's like a radar just circling around and around searching for something to obsess over.  That's the tricky thing about you.  Your paintbrush can swipe over any part of my life at any time.  Sometimes you keep me from focusing on my responsibilities, or you make it extremely difficult for me to feel calm.  You strike fear in me over anything - my relationship with God, my kids, my husband, myself.  Where did you even come from?  I have a great life!  No severe trauma.  A great family.  A strong education.  Healthy kids.  A house.  A dog.  A wonderful husband.  A relationship with Jesus.  So, seriously.  Why did you feel the need to make yourself at home in my brain?!  Couldn't you have just stayed out?

Patience: I am not a natural

The rain garden is planted!  Now if I can just manage to keep it alive long enough for the plants to get established in the soil, I think we'll be good to go.  It looks pretty, but we'll see if things actually begin to grow.

I'm not great at waiting for things to happen.  I want the flowers to bloom and the birds and butterflies to come now, but that isn't really how it works.

This is very much the way I would like to be healed from mental illness.  Just do it, cross it off the list, and move on.  But healing takes time, and it doesn't always look the way that I want it to.

       I want to be completely over OCD.

              To never perform another compulsion.

                     To dismiss the trigger thoughts immediately.

                            To live in total peace, not anxiety -  forgiveness, not fear.

But this is a journey, and one that will probably not be completed until I am in heaven.


Do you find yourself also wanting things to be done now?  How do you practice patience?

My Weekend with OCD

OCD: a lifetime condition with seasonal intensity requiring daily maintenance.

It's the daily maintenance part that I've failed with most recently.  I haven't been exercising consistently, our schedule has been way too busy, I haven't gotten enough sleep, I've been stressed...and I made the mistake of scratching that OCD itch.  I gave in, checked, prayed one more time, etc., etc., etc., and the result was a holiday weekend with anxiety woven throughout.

SATURDAY
My husband loves to spend time with our kids, and he took our oldest son out in the afternoon to do a fun activity.  The plan was for him to come back to pick up our middle son after he woke up from his nap, and then he would be back in time to order pizza for a family dinner.  The afternoon wore on, and they never returned to pick up our 2nd son.  6:00 came and went with still no sign of them.  I called multiple times, no answer.  I texted, no response.  My mind immediately jumped to the worst possible conclusion (a habit of mine) - I was afraid that they had been in an accident and were dead, I was going to have to raise the two other kids by myself, I would have to figure out how to provide for them, and how would I live without them?!?!?!?!  FINALLY I received a message that they were on their way home.  Turns out that they were in a place where he had zero cell reception, so his phone did not work.  The lump in my throat from the fear I had lost both of them stayed long after I knew they were safe.

Scrupulosity and Scripture

Scrupulosity

Ah, scrupulosity.  Religious OCD.  Scrupulosity has been part of my journey for a LONG time (you can read about my experiences with scrupulosity here).  But it definitely did not start with me.  In fact, the OCD Workbook (which I highly recommend for learning about the illness) suggests that Martin Luther and John Bunyan, giants in the Christian faith, also most likely suffered from scrupulosity.

Among other obsessions and compulsions, the Bible and sharing it with others has been a focus of my OCD.  Exposure Response Prevention (ERP) is the key to changing our OCD brains, so here goes.

Anxiety, Fast and Furious

The coloring books made an appearance this afternoon, a sure sign that I've been struggling.  Even though I enjoy coloring, I tend to only do it as a coping mechanism when my brain swirls.

After four really great months, the high anxiety reappeared Monday afternoon.  The onset was quick, and I've been working through the effects of that first episode since.  The physical symptoms of a dry mouth, lack of hunger, diarrhea.  The dread that maybe I'm falling back in to that pit of despair.  The fear that I won't be all that my kids need me to be or that I won't be able to sleep again.

I should have seen it coming, really.  I've slacked on some things that have proven in the past to help me maintain my mental health - exercise, getting enough sleep, stress reduction, not giving in to compulsions.


What Happened?
I recently finished reading the New Testament and am now making my way through the Old Testament.  A few hours after reading yesterday morning, I heard Brant Hansen on the radio speaking Truth about God's grace and us not being able to be good enough on our own.  I thought back to what I read that morning, and I got very confused by how different the God of the Old Testament seems to be from the God of the New Testament.  He is the same God, so how can that be?  Immediately my head began to spin with the obsession that I needed to reconcile this or maybe I was missing something that affected my salvation.  The paradoxes of the Bible confuse me - God's judgment and grace, His compassion and holiness, His justice and mercy, His kindness and anger.

High anxiety covered me like a blanket.  I haven't felt that way for months, and the familiar feeling was not welcome.  My natural response was to start the compulsions - to continue thinking about it (ruminating) in this case.  Instead I spoke to my husband and sister, had some coffee with pretzels and chocolate chips, and chose to not think about it (easier this time than in times past), and by doing that I was able to trust God.  He is who He says He is, and He is able to change the way that He deals with people.  He has never changed, but His methods have.  I choose to believe that He is good, and that His love endures forever.  He has saved me through Christ, and I have been made holy through Him.  The end.

After a couple of hours, the anxiety calmed down and I felt normal.  Until yesterday afternoon when it again hit out of nowhere.  It was like a switch turned in my brain and I was immediately anxious and irritable.  This time the feeling lingered through the evening and more familiar feelings returned (like everyday tasks feeling daunting).

And this morning I woke up afraid.  Afraid that I was going to slip down the slope in to the major depression and go back to that place of intense suffering and extreme difficulty functioning.  The place where doing anything feels daunting.  The place of uncertainty in my faith.  The place of feeling like my kids deserve better.

But then I realized that what I was feeling were the effects of having that high anxiety a couple of days ago, and I wasn't intensifying it by giving in to compulsions.  With that realization came the reminder that the anxiety never lasts forever.  It passes every single time, and I'm okay.  I'll be okay.  And I felt better.

Frustrating Liberation
I've found that I can't handle the things that other people seem to be able to.  Being busy leads to stress which has a direct influence on my mental health.  This is both frustrating and liberating.  Frustrating because there are so many things that I would like to do - get my doctorate, adopt, maybe have another baby, join the board of a non-profit, teach more college classes.  Liberating because I have a reason to say no.  All of those extra things I'd love to do - the doctorate, adoption, non-profit - they have to take a back burner so that I can be healthy for myself, my husband, and my kids.  They need a healthy wife/mom, and for that to happen I have to limit my involvement with outside activities.

I also need to reduce stress in potentially stressful situations (dragging all three kids to two grocery stores in one morning is a bad idea) and take care of myself physically - exercise and get enough sleep.

Keep moving forward, one step at a time.


What do you do when thoughts seem to get the best of you?

Sleep? What's that?!

Getting babies to sleep when you want them to can be nearly impossible.  In fact, TONS of advice exists on the topic, which can be completely confusing for new (and veteran) parents.  (See "I Read All the Baby Sleep Books," a hilarious illustration of this conflicting advice.)

It is with this understanding that I broach the topic of sleep training.  According to What to Expect (admittedly probably not the most accurate source) and my own past experience, healthy babies are able to sleep through the night well before they are 8 months old, which is the age of my daughter.  Unfortunately, she is most definitely not sleeping through the night.