What's your story? A call for comments

My friend Kaitlin over at A Journey with God and OCD let me know this afternoon that the comments on my blog may not be working correctly (thank you, Kaitlin!).

I'm hoping that the problem is now fixed, so in an effort to test that out, would you share a bit of your journey with us?

What is your experience with mental illness?  Do you struggle with it?  Does a loved one struggle?  Has your relationship with God factored in to your struggles/recovery at all?

Feel free to make your post as long or as short as you'd like.  Thanks!

Update: If you try to post a comment and it doesn't work, please email me (mindbeautiful89@gmail.com) and let me know.  Thanks so much!

#invisibleillness

I saw this hashtag on Twitter today regarding mental illness: #invisibleillness.

If someone has a broken leg, the injury is pretty obvious.  You can physically see that something isn't right with their body.

But it's not so easy with mental illness.  Sure, you can see some things - like when I check the stove over and over to make sure it's off, or when I'm overly scrupulous in the way I try not to lie (it can be a little obvious).  But mostly, my suffering is done in silence.

But just because it's invisible doesn't mean it's not real.

I recently revealed my struggles to a friend, and her response was that she never would have guessed that I struggle with OCD, anxiety, and depression.  And my mom has made similar comments - that I am able to hide it well.

My response?  "I've had a lot of practice."  And that's true.  I've learned how to cope well enough that people honestly can't tell that I'm struggling (which isn't always a good thing).

Similarly, Rachel Griffin, founder of #iamnotashamed, comes across as a "normal" person.  In this Washington Post article, the author observed:  "To talk to Griffin, a spunky, fast-talking singer-songwriter, no one would suspect the dark, cyclical thoughts that sometimes permeate her mind."

The phrase "fake it til' you make it" can be pretty applicable to my situation, and sometimes that is exactly what I have to do.  Get through the dark days, even if it means pretending that everything is fine.  Keep marching forward and living my life.

Because what other option is there?  To lay down and let this internal chronic pain, this silent suffering, this #invisibleillness consume me?  No.  Absolutely not.

As Josh Wilson sings in "I Refuse": I could choose not to move, but I refuse.

(If you haven't heard this song, it's worth a listen.)

Avoiding Stress

Stress.  Literally anything can be stressful, especially to those of us who struggle with mental health.  We can find things stressful that "normal" people may find relaxing.  And if something actually is stressful for most people, sometimes we feel it much more intensely which can make our mental suffering worse.

This weekend, my oldest son is a ring bearer in an out-of-state wedding, and we are leaving tomorrow morning.  We get to spend a couple of nights in a hotel (with a pool!), eat out, and be together as a family.  A mini-vacation, which I'm really looking forward to.


What is there to be stressed about?

A stressful shopping trip with preschoolers.  Since I'm not part of the professional world much anymore, I don't have a lot of dressy clothes.  I went in search of a dress this morning to wear to the wedding.  Even with another adult for backup, the trip was still stressful.  That three-year-old of mine...let's just say it was an experience.  Not a good one.  He continued to run and be very - VERY - loud after being asked to stop, and, frankly, I had to parent him.  He did NOT like me ruining his fun.  There were many tears (his), lots of loud "put me down!"s, and several minutes spent with him sitting on the floor (contamination really isn't an obsession of mine either - at least for now; we all know how those can change).

Side note: We went to the Salvation Army (good stuff cheap!), and I was able to find three dresses.

All that it takes to leave for a few days.  Packing can be quite the task.  Plus cleaning the house so there are no weird smells when we get home (ugh, those dirty dishes).  A several-hour-long road trip with three young kids.

A five-year-old in a wedding.  What if he throws a fit and doesn't make it down the aisle?  What if something happens to his suit before the wedding?  What if he refuses to do what he is supposed to do?

A very short amount of alone time this afternoon.  Instead of getting my alone time during naps today (a necessity for my introverted self), I cleaned out the minivan because it SO needed it.  If you have little kids, you understand why it seemed to take FOREVER.  Those unidentifiable little pieces of food, dog hair from the previous owner's pet (seriously?!), milk spots which somehow spilled out of cups with lids...clearly my OCD has not yet attacked keeping things clean.  :)

My to-do list for the rest of the day.  Laundry, pack for everyone but my husband, take a shower, figure out what shoes I'm going to wear, look up things to do in the location we'll be visiting, fill up the van with gas, get all of the dishes done and put away, find a gift for my nephew's birthday party which is the morning after we return home, get my 3-year-old's thank you notes from his birthday together for the relatives we will see at the wedding, catch up on our finances so I know how much we can spend while we're gone, figure out what to do with the dog...yeah, I should have planned ahead better.


Didn't you think ahead at all?

Yes, of course.  On some things.

I booked a hotel room weeks ago for two nights.  Originally we were going to only stay one night in a hotel due to finances, but things were going to be super rushed, and what five-year-old would do well in a wedding after being stuck in a car for five-and-a-half hours earlier that day?  We decided to stay two nights.

My mom is riding with us.  Three kids to three adults.

My son's ring bearer outfit is totally ready.  This may sound like a no-brainer...of course you would have the ring bearer's outfit figured out ahead of time, right?  Well, as an OCD struggler, sometimes I have the tendency to not think through things well because of all the other activity in my brain...but not this time!

I'm doing my best not to let the stress get to me.  Because I would really love to ENJOY this weekend with my family and not be stressed or trapped in the clutch of OCD.


Related resources on stress and mental health:

Fact Sheet on Stress - National Institute of Mental Health

"How Stress Affects Your Mental Health" - Forbes

How Stress Affects Your Health - American Psychological Association



How do you avoid stress?  Any tips to share?

Renewing the Mentally Ill Mind

Scripture can be scary for those of us who struggle with scrupulosity.  What if I didn't read that verse correctly?  What if I was distracted while I was reading my Bible?  What if I'm misinterpreting Scripture?  What if I have this totally wrong?  What if I was interrupted while reading the Bible?

As part of coping with my OCD, I'm in the process of reading the entire New Testament 1-2 chapters at a time.  Today I read Romans 12 and came across verse 2:

How do I, as someone who struggles with mental illness, renew my mind?  My mind that can spiral downward so fast.  My mind that is highly anxious and also prone to deep depression.  My mind that struggles with internal chronic pain that others cannot see.  My mind that suffers in silence.

Some parts of my mental illness, like my obsessions, I cannot control.  Awful thoughts enter my mind, and I hate it.  The anxiety skyrockets and the urge to perform a compulsion comes on very, very strongly.  

But the truth is that I do have some level of control over my mental illness, even if it seems impossible or insignificant.  I can choose to use Exposure Response Prevention or not.  I can choose to take my medication or not.  I can choose to give in to my compulsions or not. 

Even though my mind is ill, I can renew it by refusing to give in.  By trusting that God will bring me through this.  By believing that He will bring good from my suffering.  By choosing to live in hope. 

Because when I do these things, I no longer suffer so intensely.  I have hope.  And hope is truly transforming.

What are some ways that you renew your mind?

Scratching the Itch

Aren't hives awful?  So itchy and uncomfortable!  I must be having an allergic reaction to something I walked through yesterday on our hike, because I've got some kind of VERY itchy rash from my knees to my ankles.

It is so very tempting to scratch the itch because of the high amount of discomfort.  And while scratching does bring temporary relief, that relief only lasts a very short time.  The itchiness comes back amplified by what feels like 100 times.  And continuing to scratch only amplifies the itchiness more.

Isn't this also true of OCD?  An obsessive thought enters the brain and creates anxiety which causes discomfort.  And here is where the decision lies.  Do I scratch the OCD itch and give in to compulsions, or do I use Exposure Response Prevention (ERP) and resist the compulsive behaviors?

I've found through personal experience that scratching the itch makes the OCD that much worse.  Take what happened during church this weekend.  I started obsessing that I had sung the wrong word about God during a worship song, and I scratched the itch.  I prayed for forgiveness.  But then I prayed again just in case I hadn't really prayed the first time.  And what if I'd said the prayer wrong?  Better pray again...and so the compulsive cycle goes.  I scratched the itch and the anxiety went up.  The momentary relief of giving in to the compulsion was not worth the heightened anxiety that came afterwards.

How do you practice ERP?  Have you found it's gotten easier the more you do it?

Moms Don't Get Sick Days

We've had so many illnesses run through our house since mid-February.  The stomach flu (three times).  Pink eye.  Hand foot and mouth disease (how did the baby get that?!).  A crazy long super-cold.

And before today, I hadn't caught much of anything.  But then that dreaded flu hit me this morning.

It happened just at the right time, about two hours before my husband had to leave for work.  He was able to get the kids up and ready for the day (including breakfast) and make lunch ahead of time for them so I wouldn't have to think about it.  I was able to get some much needed sleep and a shower.

Since I can't hardly stand not being outside when it's so nice out (in the 80's today!), we spent some more time outdoors this morning (see post from yesterday).  NOTE: Had I felt way worse, I totally would have put the kids in front of the TV while I laid on the couch.

Joy

Isn't it nice when we can enjoy life despite struggling with mental illness?  As I've mentioned in previous posts, there are specific things I do to help combat my OCD, anxiety, and depression.  This afternoon, our family hiked and picnicked at a local nature preserve which hit several of my coping techniques.


I spent time outside in the sun.
I feel SO MUCH BETTER when I get regular time outside, especially if the sun is shining.  Since it was such a mild winter, I was still able to get outside almost every day, but I can't be the only one who's excited that it's finally sunny and in the 70's.  I even got some color (red is a color, right?!).  :)