Ah, scrupulosity. Religious OCD. Scrupulosity has been part of my journey for a LONG time (you can read about my experiences with scrupulosity here). But it definitely did not start with me. In fact, the OCD Workbook (which I highly recommend for learning about the illness) suggests that Martin Luther and John Bunyan, giants in the Christian faith, also most likely suffered from scrupulosity.
Among other obsessions and compulsions, the Bible and sharing it with others has been a focus of my OCD. Exposure Response Prevention (ERP) is the key to changing our OCD brains, so here goes.
- Exposure (obsessive thought) - what if I misinterpret Scripture and lead someone astray when I share my interpretation?
- Response (compulsion/avoidance) - don't share my interpretation of Scripture
- Prevention - share my interpretation of Scripture anyway.
As part of coping with my OCD, I am on a light reading plan of 1-2 chapters per day straight through the New Testament. Today I read Romans 7, and verses 15-25 seemed to be especially applicable to those of us struggling with mental illness (among other things).
*****It's okay, by the way, if you don't agree with my interpretation. This is part of getting past my fear, so please feel free to disagree in the comments!*****
Romans 7:15-25
"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do - this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in my sinful nature a slave to the law of sin."
My Interpretation
For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do
I don't want to have intrusive thoughts and perform compulsions. I want to be free of this! But I continually give in. Every day.
For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out
This is confirmation for me that my mental illness is a result of the fall, a result of living in this broken, sinful world.
For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me
In the core of who I am, I know I am God's child through Christ. I know I have been declared righteous and holy in His sight because Jesus paid my price for sin by dying on the cross in my place. But my OCD attacks these Truths and makes me question them.
What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Hopelessness. Will I ever be free of this mental illness? I just want it to go away!
Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!
HOPE!
How has Scripture helped you?
I'm very interested in reading in the comments what Scriptures have been helpful to you in your journey.
