This post is the third installment of journal entries from the time period I was diagnosed with OCD. You can see Part 1 here and Part 2 here.
October 19, 2004My mom thinks I should go back to see Dr. ________________ again soon, because I was really supposed to go back in September. I felt very close to where I was in February today, and I didn't like it. Lord, please help me not to slip into that pit again.
October 21, 2004I'm seeing Dr. ______________ tomorrow at 4:15. I've been feeling a lot better, but Tuesday was horrible! I was supposed to see the doctor in September and never went. I'll be out of medicine fairly soon, and I'm afraid to go off of it. I'm going to try to get another prescription. I hope it works!
November 3, 2004I am trying to get in to see the counselor at school while I am still a student and it's free. I had a little breakdown tonight.
I know that I need counseling. I need help! So much goes on inside my head - so much worry and anxiety. Crazy is how I sometimes feel. :( I get extremely upset if I feel like I don't meet up to someone's expectations,or if I disappoint someone. Very worried. It's not at all healthy!
November 7, 2004My life just seems like a roller coaster. Sometimes I am really happy and joyful, and other times I'm extremely depressed. I don't want to be labeled anything. I have a counseling appointment tomorrow night.
I feel so messed up inside.
God, please help me through all of this confusion and inner turmoil. I really need a lot of help. Please help me to trust in You completely and totally. I truly need You! I love You, Lord, so much.
December 25, 2004Today was a rough day, which is sad because it's Christmas! Today is the day when we celebrate Jesus' birthday. He came to earth to die so that we might live. I am so thankful, yet I don't feel thankful and grateful enough - like I'm not taking my faith and the significance of this Day seriously enough. I feel guilty about it.
My anxiety was really bad today. I really struggled with it BIG TIME! I felt paralyzed by it at times today. We didn't have much planned for Christmas Day, and it made me anxious. I went from student teaching full time to Florida to home and absolutely nothing. Scary! I should have had a wonderful Christmas. My family was all with me, we were home, I got great presents. But the anxiety got the better of me.