At least, that's what my counselor once told me. I take copious notes at all of my sessions, and I recently found this phrase in some of those notes from a few years ago. What does "acceptance" mean, exactly? How do I "accept" that I have OCD? And anxiety? And depression?
After a very high-anxiety day on Saturday, I woke up with it again yesterday. I tried to resist it, ignore it, do all of the things I'm supposed to do, but it just wouldn't leave. Finally, after feeding everyone lunch, I started to cry and shut myself in my room so that the boys wouldn't be aware that I was upset.
The depressive thoughts that often accompany anxiety started in:
- This just won't leave!
- Why am I STILL dealing with this in my 30's after it started when I was so young?
- I just want this struggle to go away.
- This is so huge and all-encompassing.
- I'm so overwhelmed.
- This is more than I can bear.
- Something is really wrong with me.
- My heart, my mind, my life....just feels so heavy.
- Why can't I make this go away?
- My kids deserve better than this.
- My husband deserves better than this.
- This is affecting everything I so very badly don't want it to affect.
- I can't possibly be a good parent when I'm feeling this bad.
After taking a few minutes to cry and pray (not compulsively), I composed myself to get everyone down for naps. And then I was able to talk my feelings out with my husband, who has been a wonderful support to me throughout the almost-eleven years we've been together. He reminded me that beating myself up for having the intrusive thoughts that I honestly can't help only worsens the depression. It makes a manageable problem (OCD) way less manageable because of all of the emotion that comes from the depression. I need to accept that this is something that I deal with. And when I can do that - "there's that anxiety again" - things become a little bit more bearable.
So, I'm trying to accept it, but I'm not really sure how. Suggestions?