Confessions of an Overthinker: I Wish That OCD Affected...

***NOTE: All posts on this blog are related to my experience.  Obviously not all mental illnesses are the same, and I don't pretend to understand anything other than what I have experienced.  My hope is that my story will bring you encouragement and that you will seek the help that you need to manage your mental illness in a healthy way.***

Mental illness is not a death sentence.  I should know.  I have struggled with OCD, anxiety, and depression for over 25 years (I'm only 34).  Even with the presence of mental illness in my life, I've been able to manage it (mostly well, but with a few serious hiccups) and live a joyful life filled with friends and family.  I thank God for the tools He has provided to help me in my mental health journey (medication, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy/Exposure Response Prevention, etc.).

This post came about as a combination of two of these tools:

1. identifying positive ways that mental illness has affected my life instead of having a victim mentality (see a recent post on this here), and
2. humor.

It is in this spirit that I give you areas of my life that could actually use a little dose of OCD.

Hope of Rescue - My Soul Anchor

The Storm
Life is messy.  Pain and heartache.  Broken relationships.  Illness, mental and otherwise.  Sometimes these things are expected, and other times they hit us out of nowhere.

The disciples experienced this once when they were in the boat with Jesus.  "And behold, there arose a great storm on the sea, so that the boat was being covered with the waves..." (Matthew 8:24a)  The waves and the storm overwhelmed them.

Some days, I've felt this way with mental illness.  My brain is totally overwhelmed - stormy, even.  Overwhelmed by the waves and the wind and everything else that comes with a storm.  Broken tree limbs, hail, thunder, lightning, sleet.  It's a tornado.  Or hurricane.  Or tsunami.

A Positive Spin

Six days after I turned 34, I fell back into the pit that is mental illness.  I had given birth to my third child exactly 10 weeks before, and I spiraled.  Fast.

This was nothing new, unfortunately.  I have dealt with OCD, anxiety, and depression for about as long as I can remember.  It's part of my makeup.  It tends to flare postpartum, so I should have expected a lapse.  I was not prepared, and that mental illness took. me. out.

What do you do to thrive?

This is a busy month for us.  In fact, it's probably the busiest month we've had since my daughter was born in August and I had a postpartum mental illness relapse starting in November.

And since increased stress can lead to increased mental health struggles...I'm doing my best to keep that stress level down.  To be a good steward of this life and mind (and family!) that God has given me.

It's funny, because the scheduled activities that actually make this a busy month aren't even the things that are causing stress.  Here is a snapshot of what's been going on this week (along with how I've also seen God's sustaining grace throughout):

Pride and Authenticity

Why is it so hard to be authentic with others?  I've had several opportunities in recent months to share my story, both on the blog and in other areas of my life.  The more I talk about it, the easier it gets.  Although I do have to say that writing anonymously on the blog is a whole lot easier than talking face-to-face with people I've known for years who have no idea of my mental struggles.  (Click here for why I'm writing anonymously.)

I don't really have a problem telling people in real life that I struggle with anxiety and depression (I once heard depression referred to as the common cold of mental illness).  These two things seem to be fairly common and well understood by the general public.  

Caring for the Weary Mind

Exhaustion.  Sleep-deprivation.  Limitations.  All unwelcome side effects of mental illness, especially during a slump (I'm currently coming out of my 4th slump since November).

Sometimes adding life to mental illness breeds some of that exhaustion and those limitations.  Yesterday was one of those days.

• It was Monday, so I was back to being the only parent home during the day to manage these three kiddos while my husband is at work.
• My cousin's wife came over to go through my maternity/baby boy clothes, which was great, but that meant that:
• I had to have the house presentable - lots of deep cleaning that was necessary, but also lots of work.
• She stayed for most of the kids' naptime, so I didn't get nearly enough alone time to recharge (more about being an introvert below).
• I took all three kids grocery shopping right when they woke up from naps.  
• We got home to a surprise visit from my brother-in-law and two nephews (4 and 1).
• I cooked part of dinner last night which I hadn't planned on.
• I walked with a friend I hadn't connected with in awhile after dinner.
• I had a not-so-restful night due to eating chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream before bed (bad idea), feeding the baby in the wee hours of the morning, and an unusually early wake up call from the baby who was more than ready to start her day.

As a freshman in college, I took the Myers-Briggs assessment.  I was shocked when the results showed that I was almost right down the middle introvert/extrovert.  I would have put myself as way, way, WAY extroverted, probably because I compulsively filled my time (you can read more about my OCD struggle with time here).  Most of that time was spent with others DOING stuff.  

But the older I get, the more I see that the results were right.  I am an introvert.  I think having kids (and losing any personal space I once thought I had) brought out my true personality more.   

I can easily get overloaded, especially with a day like yesterday.  So I decided to take today off.  Not off from my responsibilities.  I'm still taking care of the kids, making dinner, straightening up the house, doing the dishes, and cleaning up potty training messes (ugh).  Rather, I took off from rushing around trying to accomplish things, that frantic scramble that I can so easily fall in to.

Instead, I've taken it easy today.  

• We took our time getting ready this morning.  
• I made pancakes for breakfast.  
• I watched a couple of shows with the boys.  
• We went for a leisurely walk.  
• I picked up some light reading from a friend (I've been reading Bonhoeffer by Eric Metaxas and TrueFaced by Bill Thrall, Bruce McNicol, and John Lynch - although interesting, this is NOT light reading; Karen Kingsbury and Mary Higgins Clark are more what I need!).  
• I'm protecting this naptime by not answering my phone.  
• I'm meeting a friend for coffee tonight sans kids.  
• I'll be able to relax with my husband after the kids go to bed - watch some TV or a movie.  

Today, I'm taking care of my weary body and mind.

What are some things that you do to take care of yourself?  I'd love to hear!

Chonda Pierce and Clinical Depression

My very pregnant friend and I have been walking to try to help her go into labor.  Seriously, she was due on Sunday with her fourth child, and she just wants that baby to GET OUT.  So, we walk.

On a recent walk, she brought up a clip that she had heard of Chonda Pierce, a successful Christian comedian, talking about Spanx, which she thought was hilarious.  And it was then that I remembered that Chonda Pierce struggles with depression.  Clinical depression, it turns out.

My Mental Health Story: A Timeline

Freedom comes with authentic openness, and it is with that mindset that I share with you part of my story.  As I've recently experienced, sharing our stories has the potential to help us in all of our journeys!

• As a kid: 
• What if a burglar breaks in to our house?  
• What if a person close to me hurts me in some way?  This is the first true intrusive thought that I can remember.  I knew that the people in my life would NEVER do  the horrible deeds that I was afraid of, and that led to lots of guilt, even as a young kid. 
• 10 years old: I had my first bout with depression and didn't like myself much at all.  My mom, who has been a huge support to me through my journey, noticed that I was down and asked if I wanted to make sure that I was a Christian.  I did, and even though I'd said the sinner's prayer as a preschooler, this was a significant part of my journey as a Christ-follower. 
• 6th grade: I washed my hands to get rid of germs - over and over and over - which led to them becoming very chapped and dry, even to the point of bleeding.
• Middle School: Checking compulsively became a big problem.
• What if someone is hiding under my bed or in my closet?  
• What if I turn the light switch off with wet hands and start a fire?  Better turn it off with my dry elbow.  And then on again.  And off again.  And on again...
• What if I sinned and didn't ask God for forgiveness?  
• What if the stove is on?
• What if the door isn't locked?
• What if the curling iron was left on?
• What if something got on the toothbrush that will make someone sick?
• Age 15: I became obsessed with not eating much fat.  I ate only about 15 grams each day, and I was very thin.  It got very close to being an eating disorder.
• Age 16: I went on a trip with a friend I didn't know very well to her dad and stepmom's house in a different state.  The environment in this house was very different than what I was used to (alcohol, her stepbrother was a partier who they later found out was gay, we were stuck at the house without a vehicle, etc.).  This stressful trip triggered a lot of OCD.  
• High school: 
• I played conversations I'd had with people over and over in my head to make sure I hadn't said anything wrong.  
• I was also very afraid of free time (with no good reason), so I would fill my days to the brim with activity - compulsively.  
• College:  
• I had a season of intense OCD which caused me to move home (I lived on campus at a local Christian college) for three weeks.  It was during this time that my mom took me to our family doctor who was a friend.  He prescribed medication for me, and he also prayed for me with tears in his eyes.  
• It was soon after this that I met my husband at a Bible study.  We started dating very soon after we met, and I remember wondering before I met him if I would ever meet anyone who would want to untangle the mess that I was on the inside.  When I told him that I was taking medication for depression and anxiety, his response was to tell me something that he was struggling with as well.  What a relief it was that he wasn't repulsed by me!  
• 24th Birthday: My 24th birthday was a low point.  Again, my mom helped me, this time by helping me get in to a Christian counselor.  This is the same one that I'm still currently seeing this many years later.  He encouraged me to adjust my medication, and we eventually found that Zoloft (which I'm still on) works very, very well for me.
• Mid-twenties: I became a middle school teacher after college (and I LOVED it!).  There were some really difficult, foggy days, but I still went through all of the motions to get the job done.  Not easy, but I made it.  
• 2011: After my first son was born, I had a very difficult time postpartum.  He was born 3 1/2 weeks early and aspirated during birth.  This put him in the NICU for 10 days, and that time was extremely stressful.  I took a 14-week maternity leave from teaching in which I felt very lost.  The shock of going from no kids to suddenly having a son was a big one.  I was completely responsible (at least while my husband was at work) for this new little life.  It was overwhelming.  No longer could I fill all of my time up with activity, because I never knew when the baby might need me.  We got through it, but the first 8 months or so of his life were difficult for me.  
• 2012-2015: I went off of medication while trying to get pregnant with baby #2, but I had a very, very difficult time.  I was in lots of distress but still managed to get pregnant.  This son was also born prematurely at 34 weeks.  Surprisingly I did okay after that kid.  He was in the NICU for 8 days, and soon after we left the hospital I felt my thoughts starting to slide toward depression and anxiety.  We immediately upped my medication, and that seemed to do the trick.  I felt pretty much completely fine until this past November after my daughter was born in August.  
• 2015-2016: Body/hormone changes + lack of sleep +caring for a newborn, toddler, and preschooler = lots of OCD triggers!  The past five months have been a bit of a mental roller coaster with existential obsessions (How does time work?  I must figure it out!) and scrupulosity (Do I really believe that Jesus is the Son of God?  What if I'm misinterpreting Scripture?  Have I made God mad?).  I've tried to make changes in my life to better manage my mental illness after my counselor told me in no uncertain terms that if our family was going to be healthy, we were going to have to make some major changes.  At the end of the year, I pulled way, way back from my work.  Even though I was working mostly from home, the stress of trying to get everything done and take care of the kids took its toll.  Since cutting back, I've been able to better take care of myself and my family, even though it's still very hard at times.

I'd love to hear your story if you're willing!

"Acceptance is the Enemy of OCD"

"Acceptance is the Enemy of OCD."

At least, that's what my counselor once told me.  I take copious notes at all of my sessions, and I recently found this phrase in some of those notes from a few years ago.  What does "acceptance" mean, exactly?  How do I "accept" that I have OCD?  And anxiety?  And depression?

After a very high-anxiety day on Saturday, I woke up with it again yesterday.  I tried to resist it, ignore it, do all of the things I'm supposed to do, but it just wouldn't leave.  Finally, after feeding everyone lunch, I started to cry and shut myself in my room so that the boys wouldn't be aware that I was upset.  

The depressive thoughts that often accompany anxiety started in:

• This just won't leave!  
• Why am I STILL dealing with this in my 30's after it started when I was so young?
• I just want this struggle to go away.
• This is so huge and all-encompassing.
• I'm so overwhelmed.
• This is more than I can bear.
• Something is really wrong with me.
• My heart, my mind, my life....just feels so heavy.
• Why can't I make this go away?
• My kids deserve better than this.
• My husband deserves better than this.
• This is affecting everything I so very badly don't want it to affect.
• I can't possibly be a good parent when I'm feeling this bad.

After taking a few minutes to cry and pray (not compulsively), I composed myself to get everyone down for naps.  And then I was able to talk my feelings out with my husband, who has been a wonderful support to me throughout the almost-eleven years we've been together.  He reminded me that beating myself up for having the intrusive thoughts that I honestly can't help only worsens the depression.  It makes a manageable problem (OCD) way less manageable because of all of the emotion that comes from the depression.  I need to accept that this is something that I deal with.  And when I can do that - "there's that anxiety again" - things become a little bit more bearable.   

So, I'm trying to accept it, but I'm not really sure how.  Suggestions?

Wayne Brady and Depression

"Do you have any health problems?"

Such a seemingly simple question asked by my kids' doctor today during an appointment.  After asking about my husband's health, the doctor inevitably turned the question to me.  And I wasn't really ready for it.  Immediately the uncertainty set in.  Do I disclose my mental health struggles to this guy?  What if he thinks I'm unfit to be a mom to these three beautiful kids?  What if he doesn't believe me and thinks I'm just another overwhelmed mom in an over-diagnosed society who thinks she has mental issues and needs to be medicated?

There is a lot of shame with admitting to mental illness.  That plus my perfectionist tendencies and desire to appear to have it all together equals even more shame.

How do I admit to those who think I'm emotionally healthy that I have intrusive thoughts that sometimes invade my entire life, especially the parts of my life that I feel most strongly about?  That the vicious cycle can persist in my mind - intrusive thought, anxiety over the thought, compulsion to resolve the anxiety, shame over giving in again, depressive thoughts about never getting over this so what's the point...?  That sometimes I have to survive by going through the motions of life pretending that everything is fine, when my brain is working serious overtime trying to resist the illness, sometimes successfully and sometimes not so much?  That no matter how hard I try, it just won't go away?

Thankfully I have not experienced extra shame from my Christian friends in this area, but I'm sure that there are others who have not been so fortunate.  Is it harder for those of us in the church to admit to mental health problems?  What if people respond in an unhelpful way?

• But you're a Christian.  You shouldn't be depressed.
• You just need to have joy.
• Look at all that God has blessed you with - you have nothing to be depressed about.
• Read your Bible and pray more and you'll feel better.

Back to the doctor.  After being asked about my health, I paused momentarily before saying quietly (hoping to avoid five-year-old curiosity), "Well, mental health -anxiety and depression."  His response was rather anti-climactic.  He just nodded his head, said something like, "uh huh," and kept typing notes on his laptop.

Maybe, just maybe, other people don't think this is as ugly as I'm afraid they will.

Another Hard Day

Today has been a hard day.  Again.  No matter what I try, I think that this time maybe this mental illness - OCD, anxiety, and depression - will get better.  Maybe reducing stress will help.  Maybe getting more sleep.  Maybe only focusing on one thing at a time.  Maybe I should stay off caffeine.  Maybe I should drink caffeine.  Maybe I need a hobby.  Should I work more?  Work less?  What will make this go away?  And, yet...it continues to plague me.  Unwanted trigger thoughts continue to come.  Some I can let go of, others nudge me toward certain compulsions - asking God for forgiveness over and over.  Checking to make sure that the baby's collar isn't too tight as she sleeps.  Hyper-focusing on existential things - like time or language - and trying to figure out how they work.  Ruminating on certain thoughts.

Who am I?

• a Christ-follower and redeemed child of God
• a wife to a very understanding and loving husband
• a mom under 40 of three young kids
• a mental illness sufferer: a tormenting and, at times, debilitating combination of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), general anxiety, and depression

Why a blog?

The purpose of this blog is twofold.  I'm hoping that it will help me on my journey through mental illness as a Christian, and that it will also help you as a reader - either as someone who struggles with mental illness yourself, or as someone who knows a fellow struggler.

Join me, friend, as we traverse the complicated road of the combination of mental illness and Christianity and discover that even difficult minds can be made beautiful.