My Weekend with OCD

OCD: a lifetime condition with seasonal intensity requiring daily maintenance.

It's the daily maintenance part that I've failed with most recently.  I haven't been exercising consistently, our schedule has been way too busy, I haven't gotten enough sleep, I've been stressed...and I made the mistake of scratching that OCD itch.  I gave in, checked, prayed one more time, etc., etc., etc., and the result was a holiday weekend with anxiety woven throughout.

SATURDAY
My husband loves to spend time with our kids, and he took our oldest son out in the afternoon to do a fun activity.  The plan was for him to come back to pick up our middle son after he woke up from his nap, and then he would be back in time to order pizza for a family dinner.  The afternoon wore on, and they never returned to pick up our 2nd son.  6:00 came and went with still no sign of them.  I called multiple times, no answer.  I texted, no response.  My mind immediately jumped to the worst possible conclusion (a habit of mine) - I was afraid that they had been in an accident and were dead, I was going to have to raise the two other kids by myself, I would have to figure out how to provide for them, and how would I live without them?!?!?!?!  FINALLY I received a message that they were on their way home.  Turns out that they were in a place where he had zero cell reception, so his phone did not work.  The lump in my throat from the fear I had lost both of them stayed long after I knew they were safe.

Holding on Through Doubt

Recent Days
Two things happened this week that are worth mentioning.

It's baaaaaaaack
The familiar nag of OCD showed up again Wednesday morning after being fairly manageable since my medication increase in May.  I wasn't really surprised since stress tends to agitate my mental health and this has been (and continues to be) a very busy month for our family.  Wednesday morning, I faltered.  I gave in to the compulsive praying, because what if I hadn't actually prayed my morning prayer?  Rookie (which I unfortunately am NOT) mistake.  Giving in ALWAYS makes it worse.  It's ALWAYS better to ride out the intrusive thought, because giving in to compulsions just heightens the anxiety.

Colossians 1

I am not a theologian, but I am a Christ-follower.  My faith and my relationship with Christ are so important to me, which is probably why scrupulosity, or religious OCD, has been such a huge struggle for me.  OCD tends to affect those things in our lives that are most important to us.

I've continued in my relationship with God through the angst of OCD, but it has not always felt joyful.  So when I felt joy as I read Colossians 1 this afternoon, I wanted to share it with you!  See below for the passages that stood out to me along with why I enjoyed them.

Busyness, Stress, and Mental Health

I'm what you might call a task-driven person.  I love being with people, too, but I also love getting things done, experiencing accomplishment, crossing items off the list.  The tasks are good, even, but they can become a problem when I become too busy.  Because (for me) busyness leads to stress, and stress leads to increased anxiety and OCD.

NOTE: Many people can handle commitments and busyness that I cannot.  I used to be one of those people, then I had my third kid.  She totally changed things.

This week was extra busy, so I shouldn't have been surprised when yesterday afternoon was filled with high anxiety.  Or when scrupulosity trigger thoughts bombarded me this morning.  

Pride and Authenticity

Why is it so hard to be authentic with others?  I've had several opportunities in recent months to share my story, both on the blog and in other areas of my life.  The more I talk about it, the easier it gets.  Although I do have to say that writing anonymously on the blog is a whole lot easier than talking face-to-face with people I've known for years who have no idea of my mental struggles.  (Click here for why I'm writing anonymously.)

I don't really have a problem telling people in real life that I struggle with anxiety and depression (I once heard depression referred to as the common cold of mental illness).  These two things seem to be fairly common and well understood by the general public.  

Hard Days

Mornings are Hard
The last three days have been hard.  I mean, really hard - especially the mornings.  I'm not sure why mornings are generally harder for me, but they most certainly are.

It might have something to do with having the whole day in front of me and the uncertainty of what will happen - whether or not I'll struggle, events of the day, etc.

Or it could be that being the only person responsible for the kids for the majority of the day while my husband works can also be overwhelming.  Being a stay-at-home mom is exactly what I want to do, but when you throw mental illness in to the mix, things that should be easy just sometimes aren't.

Or it could be that we have chosen not to be a busy family.  Growing up, I stayed compulsively busy (read more about my relationship with time and OCD here) to a fault.  It wasn't healthy.

I was wrong

Since I posted about ERP regarding reading my Bible, I've received some helpful feedback from my therapist.  My compulsions include that I need to read my Bible each day and that I need to do it during the first free time that I have during the day.

Originally I thought that I should not read my Bible on days when I felt the OCD strongly in this area. 

My therapist suggested that I instead practice ERP by making "a different choice that is still based in truth and is healthy."

Truth - Daily reading of the Bible is a good discipline for a maturing Christian.  It is not essential to salvation, but it does assist in growth.

Healthy - 1-2 chapters per day; NOT reading verses over and over until I feel "right"

Different Choice - Continue reading a healthy amount of the Bible in a healthy way daily.  Read at a different time each day instead of reading it during the first amount of free time I have.  

I'm still struggling greatly with this, especially pushing through the high anxiety that initially comes from resisting a compulsion.  Any feedback that you have is very appreciated!

Beat Up Brain

Why are some days so much harder than others?  And why do things that I've been able to accept or ignore in the past suddenly become such looming issues?

This morning it felt like someone took my brain out of my head, squeezed it like a wet towel, and put it back in.  Tired, anxious, and beat up.

I latched on to the obsession this morning of reading my Bible, and I really, really struggled with whether or not to read it.  I eventually decided that since it felt compulsive, I should probably not read it at all today (like I did over the weekend).  But that still didn't feel right - lots of high anxiety. When I thought about reading it, I felt guilty at the thought of giving in to the compulsion.

Living Under Grace

Today
I'm feeling anxious.  Not the debilitating anxiety where every second feels hard and I feel frozen and have to force myself to function.  No, this is the background-music-of-my-life anxiety that has been present for years.  The kind where I can still function well, hold a meaningful conversation, take care of myself and my family, fulfill my responsibilities...the kind that is just...there.

Today is a normal day.  Nothing planned except taking care of the kids, getting caught up around the house, dinner...no solid activities on the schedule except for meals and naps (as requested by my 5-year-old).  After a crazy wedding weekend, we needed a day just to catch up.

The Pattern
My heightened anxiety today follows a pattern of mine.  Even when I feel well overall, it is very

Scrupulosity and Scripture

Scrupulosity

Ah, scrupulosity.  Religious OCD.  Scrupulosity has been part of my journey for a LONG time (you can read about my experiences with scrupulosity here).  But it definitely did not start with me.  In fact, the OCD Workbook (which I highly recommend for learning about the illness) suggests that Martin Luther and John Bunyan, giants in the Christian faith, also most likely suffered from scrupulosity.

Among other obsessions and compulsions, the Bible and sharing it with others has been a focus of my OCD.  Exposure Response Prevention (ERP) is the key to changing our OCD brains, so here goes.

Scrupulosity

One of my huge OCD struggles is scrupulosity, also known as spiritual OCD.  I was taught from a young age the importance of having a relationship with God through Jesus, and my faith is extremely important to me.  Someone once told me that OCD is a paintbrush that could touch any part of your life at any time, and it usually affects those things that are most important to you.  So, here we are.

My trigger thoughts include lots of things:

• What if I made God angry?  
• Or misinterpreted Scripture?  
• Or doubted?  
• Or thought a cuss word during a prayer?  
• Or what if I'm not really saved?  
• Or didn't ask God's forgiveness for a sin?  
• What if I didn't end my prayer correctly?  
• What if I read my Bible without praying afterward?  
• What if?  What if?  What if????  

It's so exhausting.

The compulsions vary as well.  Asking for forgiveness over and over and over and over.  Journaling prayers.  Resisting the compulsions to pray, but consequently compulsively thinking about the intrusive thought.  Have you ever been told NOT to think of something and it's the only thing you can think about?  Yeah.  It's like that.  Actually, it's exactly that.

Scrupulosity gets tricky sometimes, because in order to get better, the person with OCD sometimes has to do things contrary to normal spiritual behavior.  An example of this is limiting Bible reading and prayer while still continuing to do both.  For instance, right now I am (at the suggestion of my therapist) reading through the New Testament 1-2 chapters a day.  I'm doing okay with prayer right now overall, but in the past I've only allowed myself to pray three times per day.  I've also had to put boundaries on myself (especially when the compulsive praying is really bad) to not pray again until a specific later time - like at lunch.  The goal is to keep learning and talking to God while also preventing compulsive behavior in response to the trigger thoughts.  Not easy, but I'm making it (by God's sustaining grace)!

There are so many things in the Bible that my mind could latch on to and run with, and I've found it very beneficial to focus on the basics of my faith.  Colossians 1:21-23a has really helped me do that.

"Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior.  But now He has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in His sight, without blemish and free from accusation - if you continue in your faith, established and firm, and do not move from the hope held out in the gospel."  (emphasis mine)

And so, I choose to continue in my faith, even when it seems impossible.  Even when I'm so scared that I've wronged God and that my relationship with Him is in jeopardy.  He has reconciled me to Himself and sees me as holy, without blemish, and free from accusation - from anyone, including myself!  I am covered by the blood of Christ, and HE has made me righteous.

If there is one thing (and there are actually so, so many) that I've learned from having OCD, it's that no matter how hard I try, I am fully unable to be perfect.  And in order to have a relationship with God, He requires perfection.  Righteousness.  And so, I have to trust that Jesus covers me with His righteousness.  I am reconciled - holy in His sight, without blame, and free from accusation.  I choose to have faith and to trust in that Truth.

And if God is not condemning me, then why am I condemning myself?