Hope, Not Despair

I've mentioned in previous posts (here, here, here, here, and here) that although I suffer from OCD in this life, I look forward to being in Heaven where there will be no more tears and no more suffering.  I will be free of this brokenness!  I've been reading through the New Testament slowly, and I Peter 1:3-9 was part of my reading this morning:

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ!  In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade.  This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time.  In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.  These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.  Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

What an encouragement!

• He has given me hope (an anchor for my soul) through Christ
• God's power is shielding me 
• I can greatly rejoice even though I suffer (intensely at times) from OCD
• Suffering increases my faith and results in glory to God
• My faith brings "inexpressible and glorious joy"
• The end result of my faith is the salvation of my soul

Praise the Lord!

What verses have you found to be encouraging in your life?

A Letter to My Five-and-a-Half-Year-Old Son

Dear M.,

Tomorrow you turn five-and-a-half.  Five-and-a-half!  You are still just a baby, and yet…not.  A couple of weeks ago, your face looked older to me than it had just the day before.  Other people are noticing how much bigger you’re getting, too, like your great-aunt at lunch today.  And KINDERGARTEN!  I’m so excited to start officially homeschooling, and I know you’re almost as excited as I am about our new school room in the basement.

There are so many things I love about you.  Your joy.  Your expressions and vocabulary.  When you think something is genuinely funny – a huge grin covers your face, a giggle pushes its way out, and your shoulders shake with laughter – and you tell everyone in the room about whatever it was that you thought was so funny.  You love that stuffed Ninja Turtle, and it was so great that you filled your Spiderman bag with past birthday and Valentine's Day cards to take with us to the restaurant today.  Your little brother and sister adore you, and it's so fun to watch you help them learn and play.  You offer your snack if you know I’m hungry, and because I don’t like “bad guys” on shows/video games (I really said that for you because I don’t like YOU watching anything scary), you do your best to shield me from them. 

Hope of Rescue - My Soul Anchor

The Storm
Life is messy.  Pain and heartache.  Broken relationships.  Illness, mental and otherwise.  Sometimes these things are expected, and other times they hit us out of nowhere.

The disciples experienced this once when they were in the boat with Jesus.  "And behold, there arose a great storm on the sea, so that the boat was being covered with the waves..." (Matthew 8:24a)  The waves and the storm overwhelmed them.

Some days, I've felt this way with mental illness.  My brain is totally overwhelmed - stormy, even.  Overwhelmed by the waves and the wind and everything else that comes with a storm.  Broken tree limbs, hail, thunder, lightning, sleet.  It's a tornado.  Or hurricane.  Or tsunami.

My Weekend with OCD

OCD: a lifetime condition with seasonal intensity requiring daily maintenance.

It's the daily maintenance part that I've failed with most recently.  I haven't been exercising consistently, our schedule has been way too busy, I haven't gotten enough sleep, I've been stressed...and I made the mistake of scratching that OCD itch.  I gave in, checked, prayed one more time, etc., etc., etc., and the result was a holiday weekend with anxiety woven throughout.

SATURDAY
My husband loves to spend time with our kids, and he took our oldest son out in the afternoon to do a fun activity.  The plan was for him to come back to pick up our middle son after he woke up from his nap, and then he would be back in time to order pizza for a family dinner.  The afternoon wore on, and they never returned to pick up our 2nd son.  6:00 came and went with still no sign of them.  I called multiple times, no answer.  I texted, no response.  My mind immediately jumped to the worst possible conclusion (a habit of mine) - I was afraid that they had been in an accident and were dead, I was going to have to raise the two other kids by myself, I would have to figure out how to provide for them, and how would I live without them?!?!?!?!  FINALLY I received a message that they were on their way home.  Turns out that they were in a place where he had zero cell reception, so his phone did not work.  The lump in my throat from the fear I had lost both of them stayed long after I knew they were safe.

Holding on Through Doubt

Recent Days
Two things happened this week that are worth mentioning.

It's baaaaaaaack
The familiar nag of OCD showed up again Wednesday morning after being fairly manageable since my medication increase in May.  I wasn't really surprised since stress tends to agitate my mental health and this has been (and continues to be) a very busy month for our family.  Wednesday morning, I faltered.  I gave in to the compulsive praying, because what if I hadn't actually prayed my morning prayer?  Rookie (which I unfortunately am NOT) mistake.  Giving in ALWAYS makes it worse.  It's ALWAYS better to ride out the intrusive thought, because giving in to compulsions just heightens the anxiety.

Colossians 1

I am not a theologian, but I am a Christ-follower.  My faith and my relationship with Christ are so important to me, which is probably why scrupulosity, or religious OCD, has been such a huge struggle for me.  OCD tends to affect those things in our lives that are most important to us.

I've continued in my relationship with God through the angst of OCD, but it has not always felt joyful.  So when I felt joy as I read Colossians 1 this afternoon, I wanted to share it with you!  See below for the passages that stood out to me along with why I enjoyed them.

Negative Authenticity

Authentic honesty with others is so important.  God created us for relationship with Himself and grace and healing happen when we share honestly in community.  God is honored through our authenticity.

There is a way, however, in which authenticity can be twisted to not honor God.  When our motives are bad, for instance.  Gossiping, even if it's true.  Sharing in order to boost our pride or gather pity through being negatively authentic.  This last reason, I think, is the one that I've been struggling with recently in the way I talk about my kids.

Being a parent is without a doubt the hardest job I've ever had.  (For one reason this is true, click here.)  Never in my life have I consistently seen the height of my selfishness or my need for humility.  I've learned what it truly means to be a servant leader, even though I fail at this on a very consistent basis.  I've been forced to simplify the way I verbalize my beliefs so that a toddler can understand (still working on this, too).  It's not bad to talk about how hard parenting is, but a few things have happened lately that highlight what has become my habit of negative authenticity.

Pride and Authenticity

Why is it so hard to be authentic with others?  I've had several opportunities in recent months to share my story, both on the blog and in other areas of my life.  The more I talk about it, the easier it gets.  Although I do have to say that writing anonymously on the blog is a whole lot easier than talking face-to-face with people I've known for years who have no idea of my mental struggles.  (Click here for why I'm writing anonymously.)

I don't really have a problem telling people in real life that I struggle with anxiety and depression (I once heard depression referred to as the common cold of mental illness).  These two things seem to be fairly common and well understood by the general public.  

Hard Days

Mornings are Hard
The last three days have been hard.  I mean, really hard - especially the mornings.  I'm not sure why mornings are generally harder for me, but they most certainly are.

It might have something to do with having the whole day in front of me and the uncertainty of what will happen - whether or not I'll struggle, events of the day, etc.

Or it could be that being the only person responsible for the kids for the majority of the day while my husband works can also be overwhelming.  Being a stay-at-home mom is exactly what I want to do, but when you throw mental illness in to the mix, things that should be easy just sometimes aren't.

Or it could be that we have chosen not to be a busy family.  Growing up, I stayed compulsively busy (read more about my relationship with time and OCD here) to a fault.  It wasn't healthy.

A Letter to my Mental Illness

Dear Mental Illness,

You don't own me.  I don't belong to you, and I don't really like you all that much.  I know I'm supposed to start a letter with something positive, but with all the turmoil you've caused in my brain and my life, I don't really feel like being nice to you.

You color everything I love, and even the things I don't.  You make my brain so ACTIVE; it's like a radar just circling around and around searching for something to obsess over.  That's the tricky thing about you.  Your paintbrush can swipe over any part of my life at any time.  Sometimes you keep me from focusing on my responsibilities, or you make it extremely difficult for me to feel calm.  You strike fear in me over anything - my relationship with God, my kids, my husband, myself.  Where did you even come from?  I have a great life!  No severe trauma.  A great family.  A strong education.  Healthy kids.  A house.  A dog.  A wonderful husband.  A relationship with Jesus.  So, seriously.  Why did you feel the need to make yourself at home in my brain?!  Couldn't you have just stayed out?

If We're Honest

I heard Francesca Battistelli's song "If We're Honest" yesterday for the first time.  And it really spoke to the theme of what I'm trying to get across on this blog - authenticity.  We all certainly have our issues, and one of my very big ones happens to be mental illness.  I love the truth that this song proclaims.  If you haven't heard it yet (and even if you have), please take a quick listen:

In an interview with Reel Gospel, Francesca discussed this song:

"If We're Honest is the title track, and the theme of that song which ties in with the record is that God has called us to live lives of authenticity.  I think that means that in a culture that says 'Crop the perfect picture of yourself, put a nice filter on it, send it out to the world and let people think that's who you are,' God has called us to be raw and be real.  We should be able to come to each other as brothers and sisters in Christ and say: 'This is what I'm going through.  This is what I'm struggling with.  This is what I need prayer for, or help with.'  It's so hard for us to do that in this culture, and I think God is really calling us to go back to that basic...He created us to live in community with each other.  He created us to need each other.  To be His hands and feet on this earth."


"If We're Honest"

Truth is harder than a lie
The dark sees safer than the light
And everyone has a heart that loves to hide
I'm a mess and so are you
We've built walls nobody can get through
Yeah, it may be hard, but the best thing we could ever do, ever do

[Chorus]:
Bring your brokenness, and I'll bring mine
'Cause love can heal what hurt divides
And mercy's waiting on the other side
If we're honest
If we're honest

Don't pretend to be something that you're not
Living life afraid of getting caught
There is freedom found when we lay
our secrets down at the cross, at the cross

[Chorus]

It would change our lives
It would set us free
It's what we need to be

[Chorus]

Scrupulosity

One of my huge OCD struggles is scrupulosity, also known as spiritual OCD.  I was taught from a young age the importance of having a relationship with God through Jesus, and my faith is extremely important to me.  Someone once told me that OCD is a paintbrush that could touch any part of your life at any time, and it usually affects those things that are most important to you.  So, here we are.

My trigger thoughts include lots of things:

• What if I made God angry?  
• Or misinterpreted Scripture?  
• Or doubted?  
• Or thought a cuss word during a prayer?  
• Or what if I'm not really saved?  
• Or didn't ask God's forgiveness for a sin?  
• What if I didn't end my prayer correctly?  
• What if I read my Bible without praying afterward?  
• What if?  What if?  What if????  

It's so exhausting.

The compulsions vary as well.  Asking for forgiveness over and over and over and over.  Journaling prayers.  Resisting the compulsions to pray, but consequently compulsively thinking about the intrusive thought.  Have you ever been told NOT to think of something and it's the only thing you can think about?  Yeah.  It's like that.  Actually, it's exactly that.

Scrupulosity gets tricky sometimes, because in order to get better, the person with OCD sometimes has to do things contrary to normal spiritual behavior.  An example of this is limiting Bible reading and prayer while still continuing to do both.  For instance, right now I am (at the suggestion of my therapist) reading through the New Testament 1-2 chapters a day.  I'm doing okay with prayer right now overall, but in the past I've only allowed myself to pray three times per day.  I've also had to put boundaries on myself (especially when the compulsive praying is really bad) to not pray again until a specific later time - like at lunch.  The goal is to keep learning and talking to God while also preventing compulsive behavior in response to the trigger thoughts.  Not easy, but I'm making it (by God's sustaining grace)!

There are so many things in the Bible that my mind could latch on to and run with, and I've found it very beneficial to focus on the basics of my faith.  Colossians 1:21-23a has really helped me do that.

"Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior.  But now He has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in His sight, without blemish and free from accusation - if you continue in your faith, established and firm, and do not move from the hope held out in the gospel."  (emphasis mine)

And so, I choose to continue in my faith, even when it seems impossible.  Even when I'm so scared that I've wronged God and that my relationship with Him is in jeopardy.  He has reconciled me to Himself and sees me as holy, without blemish, and free from accusation - from anyone, including myself!  I am covered by the blood of Christ, and HE has made me righteous.

If there is one thing (and there are actually so, so many) that I've learned from having OCD, it's that no matter how hard I try, I am fully unable to be perfect.  And in order to have a relationship with God, He requires perfection.  Righteousness.  And so, I have to trust that Jesus covers me with His righteousness.  I am reconciled - holy in His sight, without blame, and free from accusation.  I choose to have faith and to trust in that Truth.

And if God is not condemning me, then why am I condemning myself?