Hope, Not Despair

I've mentioned in previous posts (here, here, here, here, and here) that although I suffer from OCD in this life, I look forward to being in Heaven where there will be no more tears and no more suffering.  I will be free of this brokenness!  I've been reading through the New Testament slowly, and I Peter 1:3-9 was part of my reading this morning:

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ!  In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade.  This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time.  In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.  These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.  Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

What an encouragement!

• He has given me hope (an anchor for my soul) through Christ
• God's power is shielding me 
• I can greatly rejoice even though I suffer (intensely at times) from OCD
• Suffering increases my faith and results in glory to God
• My faith brings "inexpressible and glorious joy"
• The end result of my faith is the salvation of my soul

Praise the Lord!

What verses have you found to be encouraging in your life?

Hope of Rescue - My Soul Anchor

The Storm
Life is messy.  Pain and heartache.  Broken relationships.  Illness, mental and otherwise.  Sometimes these things are expected, and other times they hit us out of nowhere.

The disciples experienced this once when they were in the boat with Jesus.  "And behold, there arose a great storm on the sea, so that the boat was being covered with the waves..." (Matthew 8:24a)  The waves and the storm overwhelmed them.

Some days, I've felt this way with mental illness.  My brain is totally overwhelmed - stormy, even.  Overwhelmed by the waves and the wind and everything else that comes with a storm.  Broken tree limbs, hail, thunder, lightning, sleet.  It's a tornado.  Or hurricane.  Or tsunami.

My Weekend with OCD

OCD: a lifetime condition with seasonal intensity requiring daily maintenance.

It's the daily maintenance part that I've failed with most recently.  I haven't been exercising consistently, our schedule has been way too busy, I haven't gotten enough sleep, I've been stressed...and I made the mistake of scratching that OCD itch.  I gave in, checked, prayed one more time, etc., etc., etc., and the result was a holiday weekend with anxiety woven throughout.

SATURDAY
My husband loves to spend time with our kids, and he took our oldest son out in the afternoon to do a fun activity.  The plan was for him to come back to pick up our middle son after he woke up from his nap, and then he would be back in time to order pizza for a family dinner.  The afternoon wore on, and they never returned to pick up our 2nd son.  6:00 came and went with still no sign of them.  I called multiple times, no answer.  I texted, no response.  My mind immediately jumped to the worst possible conclusion (a habit of mine) - I was afraid that they had been in an accident and were dead, I was going to have to raise the two other kids by myself, I would have to figure out how to provide for them, and how would I live without them?!?!?!?!  FINALLY I received a message that they were on their way home.  Turns out that they were in a place where he had zero cell reception, so his phone did not work.  The lump in my throat from the fear I had lost both of them stayed long after I knew they were safe.

Colossians 1

I am not a theologian, but I am a Christ-follower.  My faith and my relationship with Christ are so important to me, which is probably why scrupulosity, or religious OCD, has been such a huge struggle for me.  OCD tends to affect those things in our lives that are most important to us.

I've continued in my relationship with God through the angst of OCD, but it has not always felt joyful.  So when I felt joy as I read Colossians 1 this afternoon, I wanted to share it with you!  See below for the passages that stood out to me along with why I enjoyed them.

Pride and Authenticity

Why is it so hard to be authentic with others?  I've had several opportunities in recent months to share my story, both on the blog and in other areas of my life.  The more I talk about it, the easier it gets.  Although I do have to say that writing anonymously on the blog is a whole lot easier than talking face-to-face with people I've known for years who have no idea of my mental struggles.  (Click here for why I'm writing anonymously.)

I don't really have a problem telling people in real life that I struggle with anxiety and depression (I once heard depression referred to as the common cold of mental illness).  These two things seem to be fairly common and well understood by the general public.  

Hard Days

Mornings are Hard
The last three days have been hard.  I mean, really hard - especially the mornings.  I'm not sure why mornings are generally harder for me, but they most certainly are.

It might have something to do with having the whole day in front of me and the uncertainty of what will happen - whether or not I'll struggle, events of the day, etc.

Or it could be that being the only person responsible for the kids for the majority of the day while my husband works can also be overwhelming.  Being a stay-at-home mom is exactly what I want to do, but when you throw mental illness in to the mix, things that should be easy just sometimes aren't.

Or it could be that we have chosen not to be a busy family.  Growing up, I stayed compulsively busy (read more about my relationship with time and OCD here) to a fault.  It wasn't healthy.

I was wrong

Since I posted about ERP regarding reading my Bible, I've received some helpful feedback from my therapist.  My compulsions include that I need to read my Bible each day and that I need to do it during the first free time that I have during the day.

Originally I thought that I should not read my Bible on days when I felt the OCD strongly in this area. 

My therapist suggested that I instead practice ERP by making "a different choice that is still based in truth and is healthy."

Truth - Daily reading of the Bible is a good discipline for a maturing Christian.  It is not essential to salvation, but it does assist in growth.

Healthy - 1-2 chapters per day; NOT reading verses over and over until I feel "right"

Different Choice - Continue reading a healthy amount of the Bible in a healthy way daily.  Read at a different time each day instead of reading it during the first amount of free time I have.  

I'm still struggling greatly with this, especially pushing through the high anxiety that initially comes from resisting a compulsion.  Any feedback that you have is very appreciated!

Chonda Pierce and Clinical Depression

My very pregnant friend and I have been walking to try to help her go into labor.  Seriously, she was due on Sunday with her fourth child, and she just wants that baby to GET OUT.  So, we walk.

On a recent walk, she brought up a clip that she had heard of Chonda Pierce, a successful Christian comedian, talking about Spanx, which she thought was hilarious.  And it was then that I remembered that Chonda Pierce struggles with depression.  Clinical depression, it turns out.

Sharing Authentically

A conversation happened this week that surprised me.  An acquaintance that I hardly know bared her soul.  I mean, bared her soul.  Betrayal in her marriage, infertility, addiction, counseling...and her "crazy high anxiety."

Sometimes I get so deep inside my own head that I don't remember that others are also suffering.  Some with mental illness like me, and some in other ways.  (You can see my story in the post My Mental Health Story: A Timeline or on The OCD Stories website.)

Whenever I have been in the suffering valley, God has always rescued me and comforted me throughout the season of suffering.  And even though mental illness is still a daily struggle for me, I am not without hope.

The purpose of this blog is to candidly share my struggles and victories with mental illness as a Christ-follower.  I want blogging to help me grow personally and to help fellow sufferers along their own journeys.  In order to accomplish this, I am blogging under the pen name "A.J. Michaels."  The only other person who knows the true identity of A.J. Michaels is my husband.  Writing under a pen name allows me to write more honestly about my mental illness than if I used my real name.  I'm not quite ready to share these thoughts with people in my every day life - maybe eventually, but not yet.

I do look forward to walking this journey together with you.

God bless,
AJ

Mountaintops and Valleys

OCD is unique.  It tends to ebb and flow, and depending on the success of treatment - usually medication and cognitive behavioral therapy/exposure response prevention - sufferers can spend a lot of time either in the valley or on the mountaintop.  I've spent seasons in both places (you can see a timeline of my mental health story here), and I most definitely prefer the mountaintop!

The Valley
Because that OCD valley is deep.  I mean, really, really deep.  So deep that it's hard to even see the mountaintop anymore.  Every second is hard, and is that mountaintop even real?  All I can focus on are those obsessive thoughts and how I'll never be able to beat this huge wolf of OCD.  I know that I need to eat to keep up my strength (especially with breastfeeding the baby), but I'm just not hungry.  The diarrhea isn't helping, and neither is the fact that I'm waking up way too early every morning with racing thoughts and physical side effects of the anxiety.  Will it always be like this?  I can't even remember what joy and hope feel like.

The Mountaintop
But that glorious mountaintop!  Life is so, so good, and I'm finally living like everybody else!  Those pesky intrusive thoughts still come, but overall I'm able to resist the really bad compulsions (I just give in a little bit!).  I can see and enjoy and thank God for the blessings that He has given me.  There's so much to focus on and get done - My writing!  My physical health!  My kids!  My friendships!  My house!  My finances!  My marriage!  My spiritual life!  I love feeling accomplished and being with people - these things make me feel alive!  Valley?  What valley?  Oh, that valley!  Yeah, I was down there for a little bit, but I can hardly remember what that felt like.  I know it was hard, but I have so much to do now, and I don't really want to think about it.  My OCD is okay.  I'm just giving in a little bit, so it's manageable.

My Pattern

• MOUNTAINTOP: The mental illness is very manageable.  Thankfully, this is most of the time.

• VALLEY: 
• Giving in to the compulsions brings more intrusive trigger thoughts which bring more compulsions which bring more anxiety which brings more trigger thoughts...compulsions...anxiety...depression...you get the idea.  What was manageable is no longer manageable and becomes almost unbearable.  What if this time my thoughts AREN'T a result of the mental illness?  What if this is something I actually need to think/worry about?
• I desperately seek help from my support system (husband, mom, counselor, friends).
• We increase medication (if necessary), and I work HARD on the cognitive behavioral therapy and exposure response prevention.  It's amazing how many intrusive thoughts bombard my brain during this time.  I'm sure it's the same amount as before I start the CBT and ERP, but when I am able to actually identify them?  There are so, so many.
• I start feeling better and am able to see the illness as an illness instead of wondering if these intrusive thoughts are what I actually think.
• Good days and bad days.  At first I feel good for only snippets at a time.  And then it becomes almost full days.  (This is where I am right now.)

• MOUNTAINTOP: Back to normal - enjoying life!

Bottom Line
Every time I've been in the valley, God has rescued me and brought me back to the mountaintop.  This gives me hope!

If We're Honest

I heard Francesca Battistelli's song "If We're Honest" yesterday for the first time.  And it really spoke to the theme of what I'm trying to get across on this blog - authenticity.  We all certainly have our issues, and one of my very big ones happens to be mental illness.  I love the truth that this song proclaims.  If you haven't heard it yet (and even if you have), please take a quick listen:

In an interview with Reel Gospel, Francesca discussed this song:

"If We're Honest is the title track, and the theme of that song which ties in with the record is that God has called us to live lives of authenticity.  I think that means that in a culture that says 'Crop the perfect picture of yourself, put a nice filter on it, send it out to the world and let people think that's who you are,' God has called us to be raw and be real.  We should be able to come to each other as brothers and sisters in Christ and say: 'This is what I'm going through.  This is what I'm struggling with.  This is what I need prayer for, or help with.'  It's so hard for us to do that in this culture, and I think God is really calling us to go back to that basic...He created us to live in community with each other.  He created us to need each other.  To be His hands and feet on this earth."


"If We're Honest"

Truth is harder than a lie
The dark sees safer than the light
And everyone has a heart that loves to hide
I'm a mess and so are you
We've built walls nobody can get through
Yeah, it may be hard, but the best thing we could ever do, ever do

[Chorus]:
Bring your brokenness, and I'll bring mine
'Cause love can heal what hurt divides
And mercy's waiting on the other side
If we're honest
If we're honest

Don't pretend to be something that you're not
Living life afraid of getting caught
There is freedom found when we lay
our secrets down at the cross, at the cross

[Chorus]

It would change our lives
It would set us free
It's what we need to be

[Chorus]

He arose!

Up from the grave He arose!  Precious video:

Man of Sorrows

VERSE

Man of Sorrows, Lamb of God
By His own betrayed
The sin of man and wrath of God
Has been on Jesus laid

Silent as He stood accused
Beaten, mocked and scorned
Bowing to the Father's will
He took a crown of thorns

CHORUS
Oh, that rugged cross
My salvation
Where Your love poured out over me
Now my soul cries out, "Hallelujah!
Praise and honor unto Thee."

VERSE
Sent of Heaven, God's own Son
To purchase and redeem
And reconcile the very ones
Who nailed Him to that tree

BRIDGE
Now my debt is paid
It is paid in full
By the precious blood
That my Jesus spilled

Now the curse of sin
Has no hold on me
Whom the Son sets free
Oh, is free indeed

VERSE
See the stone is rolled away
Behold the empty tomb
Hallelujah!  God be praised!
He's risen from the grave!


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